Six days, eight hours, and 26 minutes.  Hold up, it's 3:35 now, make that 25 minutes.  In less than a week, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will hit bookshelves and the saga of Harry Potter will finally come to an end (minus the fan fictions, mangas, video games, card game, possible cartoon show, spinoffs, etc., etc.).  Everyone's talking about why Harry's going to die, or why he won't, and all that (rot).  I'm here to finally put it to rest (until my next article, Why Harry's NOT a Dead Man in Book 7).  I'm going to tell you why J.K. Rowling is a heartless witch and why Harry Potter's a dead man.

But Jack, you say, Ms. Rowling surely couldn't be THAT mean, right?  She couldn't possibly kill off the character that's made her so much money, and given her so much fame.  Wrong!  The success of Harry Potter is exactly why he doesn't stand a chance of making it to page 760.  Think about it.  Rowling has explicitly said that she has no plans on writing any more Potter books after this one.  What's the best way to dispose of a character when you're done with them?  Kill 'em off!  If Harry lives through this book, Ms. Rowling is going to get trillions of letters begging her for another novel.  She'll probably get them either way, but it's much easier for her to end the saga if the main character's dead (it makes for a much cleaner ending, metaphorically speaking).

It's all in the title: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  Most “happy” sagas have happy titles for their endings (Return of the Jedi, Return of the King… get the picture?). This is not Return of Sirius Black so He Can Kick the Living Snot Out of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.  Every single book, since the first one, has gotten consecutively darker, and the related body count has gotten consecutively larger.  First it was Cedric Diggory ("who cares?"), then Sirius Black ("Oh no!"), then Albus Dumbledore ("How could she DO such a thing!?"), and now it'll be Harry and someone else ("I'm never reading another Harry Potter book ever again!  Wait, hang on...")

This book isn't going the way of typical American cinema, where the good guy kicks some bad guy tail and gets the girl.  We've already seen that Ms. Rowling likes to kill off everyone's favorite characters, and this one won't be any different.

And that's just how the bisque is.