Jan. 17, 2007
I don’t know how it happened, but somehow I got on the mailing list of these phony psychics, who want to advise me, protect me from danger, help me realize my earning potential and whatnot—all for $29.95. Seems to me, that if these people were what they advertised themselves as, they’d know not to write me. Or, they could give me the advice free, knowing that when my ship comes in, I would gladly pay them ten times that amount.
Sadly, thousands of people bite into this, otherwise these spammers and shammers would be out of business. I thought I had shook this woman three years ago, when she was e-mailing me at a different site. Now I even flag her letters as spam, but I’m still being bombarded with her nonsense.
When it comes to pandering, pimps and televangelists have nothing on these folks. The biggest offender in my e-mail in box is a woman calling herself Sara F., who claims to be a psychic astrologer. Strange, that in all of her earlier missives she referred to me as “Stella Burchett.” Now that she’s finally got my name right, she wants to warn me of an “impending danger that is to occur January 30.”
I wrote back:
“Apparently, you aren't much of a psychic. Otherwise, you would know that I'm serious when I say I do not want to receive any more of your scam letters, b------t stories, phony readings, or offers to protect me from "danger."
“The only danger is that you might be exposed on the internet site that I write for. If your skills are so real, why not find out what worldwide e-zine I’m referring to, then weigh your chances?
“I'm tired of being nice. Stop wasting my time--and yours--by sending me these e-mails. If I wanted to read unbelievable b------t stories, I'd buy a copy of Congressional Quarterly.
“Thanks for listening,
Hours later, on January 17, she sent me another e-mail:
“Dear Timothy sr, [sic] I've been very concerned about you and your life I pulled out your personal file and I cross-checked with my confidential notes concerning you. So come quickly to read my letter: click here…”
For laughs, I clicked. Listen to this crapola:
“This morning, there was nothing there to suggest a distress in your life, but still, just to be certain, I pulled out your personal file. I immediately performed a secret action for you ( a Secret Occult Séance) and, as I cross-checked with my confidential notes concerning you, I came up with some startling facts. It is why I decided to write this letter at once and share with you the paramount things I have been able to see, for my revelations might very well completely overturn the course of your life...Indeed, Timothy sr, as I performed this Secret Occult Séance, I discovered that you are a distinctly special person, and I clearly saw that you are unlike everyone else. I have perceived that you are very different and apparently it is this major difference that accounts for the doubts, concerns and difficulties you are experiencing today.”
I wonder how many biology classes she had to take to figure that one out? Anyway, I read on:
Today, after this new research on your personality, I am able to…reveal to you what you should do establish Love, Luck and MONEY forever rooted in your life! But some people, and I believe you are among those people, are not governed solely by their birthday, but also, and even more importantly, by a far more superior force, a mysterious force that is gleaming deep within you. These very different people are called Supra-Celestial Beings and I have grounds to believe that you are one of these Supra-Celestial Beings! What exactly does this mean for you, Timothy sr?”
I thought it meant my parents had been lying to me all these years, and I was a refugee from the planet Krypton. When I was a kid, I always found it unusual that I could change the course of mighty rivers, leap a tall building in a single bound and bend steel in my bare hands, while my friends couldn’t.
The B.S. fest continues: “You are not using the Right Keys because you don’t know the right formulas that could open to you all the great gates of Richness, Love and Happiness! And as long as you don’t use the right formulas, nothing positive will ever come your way. But rest assured, Timothy sr, these Keys do exist, I know how to find them; even more, I am prepared to send you the guide that contains every single one of these Keys.”
So my real dad, Jor-El, did indeed leave something for me! Read on: “These Keys are Special Formulas for the Supra-Celestial Being.Yes, all the Keys, all the Rules and all the Formulas you need to get everything you ever wanted from life do exist, and you will find each and every one of them in a special booklet titled ‘The Special Formula Guide for the Supra-Celestial Being.’"
At last, I can unlock the secrets to getting all that I want! A one-on-one with Vivica Fox, the rights to my books back from PubliSHAMerica, an NBA Championship ring and one of those PING golf caps!
Ms. F. continued: “In order for you to solve some very urgent financial issues, I am going to try to make you get the large amount of money right away. To do so I am going to calculate your SEVEN Lucky Numbers that you will be able to use when I tell you that the time is right. The only thing to do is to use these lucky numbers at the exact dates that I will indicate to you…” By this time, I’m laughing out loud.
“As for me I will make sure that I perform a Special Occult Ceremonial for MONEY in order to have a positive influence on your good luck at the time you need it. And since I have seen that the great opportunity to cash in the Large Sum of MONEY could arise soon... I do not worry. On the contrary, I am very optimistic for you and I think that you can be optimistic too.”
I’m optimistic that maybe this woman will be arrested on some sort of tax charge. People like this need to removed from society, pronto!
Now she tries to set the hook: “Complete and return very quickly your Special Order to Claim Everything You Desire From Life Your Special Order. Click here.”
“Yes, Sara, I agree that you perform for me the 3 essential actions to enable me to easily use my Special Formula Guide in the most effective ways possible...Please perform this beneficial occult action at all times to preserve my gambling energy potential and to safeguard my vital forces of Luck, success and happiness. I wish to rejoice in the life I deserve. For my permanent protection in my everyday life, please bill me the nominal amount of us $19 $29 $39 $49 the 05 10 15 20 25 of every month* and I will continue to receive your weekly Horoscope.
Perhaps she should call it a “whore-o-scopy,” a reaming if me similar to a colonoscopy, except without the affection and cuddling afterward.
About the author: Timothy N. Stelly, Sr. is a 46-year old poet, novelist and aspiring screenwriter who resides in northern California with his three youngest children--Lawrence, Kimberly and Dante. He is a member of various writer's groups and has three novels in print, his most recent, "Like A Straight-Up Sucka," is available at www.lulu.com.
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