HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
Jan. 17, 2007 Christmas is the ultimate nightmare. Once again Madison Avenue takes a dump on our heads and tries to convince us we got caught in a mudslide. We are hypnotized into overspending on a bunch of crap that will invariably break, wear out, malfunction, get shelved or flat out fail within three days of purchase. More important, it will probably be operated by battery, and require four or more, at a time when battery prices double. And to hell with Christmas caroling. People who perform this corny act are a bunch of fruity morons who have way too much idle time on their hands. Listening to them sing is like hearing the non-stop baying of wolves while listening to a Slim Whitman album. I already know all the words to these songs, and to be honest, I didn't like them the first time I heard them. They lyrics are lame, outdated, and the music’s too damn hard to dance to. However, my children like them, so one year I bought a CD with every Christmas song ever sang, rapped, hummed, scatted, chanted, whistled, burped, barked or yodeled. I don't need to hear the a capella version, especially right outside my door during the dinner hour. Plus, these piping panhandlers expect to get a donation for their effort, like they're the fricking Temptations. Furthermore, Christmas was once known as the season of "Good will toward your fellow man." Now if you tell someone “Merry Christmas,” you could get sued. Department stores have dehumanized this once heartfelt greeting, to the lifeless “happy holidays.” In reality, only business owners are happy about it, because the season is now just one long advertising campaign that begins three seconds after the last trick-or-treater gets home, and it doesn't end until late January--which is marked by an "After Christmas Sale." I prefer Kwanzaa to Christmas. No radio or television ads, no sales, no Macy's or Gottschalk's flyers arriving in the mail every other day. Just cheap, handmade gifts, some candles and a little fruit. This is a good time to get rid of the stuff you no longer use. It’s a lot like going to the dump. I once gave my nephew an alarm clock with the minute hand missing and said, "Don't worry son, the cord's still good." Plus, he could have still used it to tell time: He could have turned the thing on its back, bent the hour hand, set it in his bedroom window and used it as a sun dial. After all, I believe it's the thought that counts. So here are my ideas for making our special celebrations more meaningful: Limit our celebrating to five holidays. That's roughly one every ten weeks, more than enough opportunities for parasitic businessmen to suck us dry. It also allows us sufficient time to recover from the guilt if we don’t buy anything. The holidays we'll celebrate are: New Year's Day--as it signifies the spirit of rebirth, forgiveness and second chances. The Fourth of July--as it celebrates the birth of our country. The aforementioned Dead Folks' Day--August 1st, because August was the one month that did not have a holiday; Thanksgiving and Christmas. As for the latter, advertising would be limited from December 18th to the 24th ONLY. This might allow us time to acknowledge the religious origins of that holiday. This means eliminating St. Patrick's Day (which is an Irish holiday, so let it be celebrated in Ireland), Labor Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, Groundhog's Day, President's Day, Martin Luther King Day, The Super Bowl, Veteran’s Day, Memorial Day, Cinco De Mayo, May Day, Halloween (a euphemism for National Panhandler's Day), Valentine's Day, Mother's, Dad’s, Grad’s and Grandparent's Day. That leaves more than enough gift-giving days--Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas. Now, since Congress has a boner for the three-day weekend, we could make the first Monday of every other month a day of celebration and call it, "three-fer." We should also abolish all holidays observing the birthdays of dead heroes. The definition of "hero" is arbitrarily bandied about and is usually controversial. Otherwise, Wilt Chamberlain's birthday could become a national day of sex and shooting hoops. No more George Washington cherry tree stories, or "Honest Abe" fables. If this means giving Martin Luther King the boot, too, so be it. I thought Malcolm X and Stokely Carmichael were more deserving of holidays anyway. And finally, let's completely abolish the fairy tales and myths behind the holidays. Get rid of the gift-giving, calorically-challenged man who “sees you when you’re sleeping.” (damn peeping tom!) No more elves, reindeer, talking snowmen, arrow-shooting sprites, New Year's babies, egg-laying rabbits, leprechauns, witches, goblins, ghosts, corporate logos, marketing tie-ins, special sales or other forms of corporate deception. Let's keep our holidays and celebrations special by keeping them honest, simple and to a minimum. If I want to waste my time listening to far-fetched stories and phony images, I'll watch WWF Smackdown, American Idol, or C-Span. At least that won’t cost me week’s pay. ------------ About the author: Timothy N. Stelly, Sr. is a 46-year old poet, novelist and aspiring screenwriter who resides in northern California with his three youngest children--Lawrence, Kimberly and Dante. He is a member of various writer's groups and has three novels in print, his most recent, "Like A Straight-Up Sucka," is available at www.lulu.com. website: http://stellbreadO@tripod.com Email: stellbread@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
