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Feb. 1, 2007 Often, I am plagued with memories of you. What we had was not perfect but oddly enough I found contentment. I was never able to read your mind and yet, I never got bored with you so it is actually a good thing. You're not sure if you love me and there just isn’t anything I can do about that. Before you left, you said you think you might be in-love with me too, I was filled with hopes that there will be a fighting chance for us after all, of working out goals towards being together again even for a short time, at least we will be trying. When you left, you told me to "figure things out and I will be ok. I have done nothing but try to figure things out but still I am not okay. The answers I have figured out are not what should make me feel okay. Life does not end with you, there are so many opportunities opening anew, of new horizons I never thought to pursue but are now suddenly made available to me, if I try hard enough. Sometimes, I lie tired and just drained and I just couldn’t feel more frustrated because my life is filled with new possibilities that are all waiting to be "figured out" and I almost hate those two words. But just as well, when I am all alone in my bed, I think of you and end up crying in the bathroom because I don’t want anyone to know I'm still hurting. My dreams are still dreams and rainbows I wish so hard to bring substance to are too many, and you are, sadly enough, one of them.. As I have said, I was never able to read your mind, but I do understand you more than you have ever realized, its just that its you who never did. Do you know that I'm allergic to dust and that I hate cucumber? Of course you don’t. You never knew either that even though I feel independent, I do like being treated with a little gallantry. I would have loved waking up to playful kisses or even just wake up and see you watching me sleep. I would also like to be forbidden to do some things and have you worry about me when I walk out alone in a dark street. Things that I thought didn’t matter and I didn’t mind because I loved you. I still do. I go to your apartment scared at my wits end in a drasted typhoon because I want to be with you, no matter how scared I was of the flying roof, or that I'm more often bored with crowds but I sit quietly trying to stay awake, feeling like an excess baggage because you ignore me anyway, or that I feel out of place in that organization thing if not for you because those people are just not my usual crowd. You never knew I was always wary of going to your apartment expecting you to throw me out. Things that you never knew, like the way I don’t know if you are wearing my ring right now, if you still have my picture in your wallet or even if once in a while, you end up in bed at the middle of the night and missing me so much that you'd almost cry. I don’t know where this is leading, but as far as I can see, you just don’t want to try, huh? If you wanted to try making something of us, extend just a little more, then you will be exerting more effort than you are doing now. I have known better, once upon a time when my heart was still mine, but now, all I can do is move on with my life. Try to force new doors open and pursue new horizons, even when all I want to do is cry, and look back because my heart is broken, like I never thought it could be. It’s just that, I miss you so much and love you so bad that all I could want is another moment with you. Just to feel you, and know you're there, not bold joking words on my mobile phone’s screen or computer, but someone who is real. I never knew that when you board that plane, I will be left with doubts and longing. Doubts that you were ever a reality and longing that maybe, for just one second, I'd turn around and you will be there to embrace me… With all my love, Georgie Sala ------------ About the author: Jenny Joy Yano is a new contributor for Useless Knowledge. Email: jennyjoy_yano@yahoo.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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