Welcome to the show, leading 2008 Republican presidential candidates.  Please take a minute or two, and describe yourselves for our viewers.

Mitt Romney:

Hello.  I believe we must raise the bar on education, simplify the tax system, compete with Asia, invest in technology, extend health insurance to all Americans, defeat the Jihadists, achieve energy independence, stop runaway government spending, and reaffirm America’s culture and family values.  I also believe that an angel named Moroni came to Joe Smith’s bedroom to tell him about some gold tablets that had been buried 1,400 years earlier under a nearby rock. Joe said he translated hieroglyphics on the tablets using special glasses provided by Moroni, and thus created my favorite book—the Book of Mormon.

Rudy Giuliani:

Greetings.  I believe we must raise the bar on education, simplify the tax system, compete with Asia, invest in technology, extend health insurance to all Americans, defeat the Jihadists, achieve energy independence, stop runaway government spending, and reaffirm America’s culture and family values.  I also believe that the mayor's personal relationship with God is private and between him and God, although I don’t doubt for a minute that a long-haired hippie Jew lawbreaker was his son, conceived by a virgin 2000 years ago, and I accept the Pope’s decision that I shouldn’t have married my second of three wives because she was my 2nd cousin instead of 3rd cousin.

Mike Huckabee:

Hi folks.  I believe we must raise the bar on education, simplify the tax system, compete with Asia, invest in technology, extend health insurance to all Americans, defeat the Jihadists, achieve energy independence, stop runaway government spending, and reaffirm America’s culture and family values.  I believe an all-powerful Baptist created our world darn near 5000 years ago in six days with a wave of His mighty hand, although I’m not sure how days could’ve been measured back then, because without a spinning planet… oh, never mind.  Maybe He figured all that out on the seventh day, when the Almighty took a well-deserved blow and played a few heavy metal rock and roll licks on His bass guitar… like I do when I get confused by all these heavy issues.  I also believe that Charles Darwin was just a long-haired rabble rouser who tried to steal the spotlight from the real McCoy, an earlier long-haired rabble rouser who didn’t have any apes among His ancestors.  I drink a different kind of Jesus juice.

Fred Thompson:

Hello, all you out there in TV land.  I believe we must raise the bar on education, simplify the tax system, compete with Asia, invest in technology, extend health insurance to all Americans, defeat the Jihadists, achieve energy independence, stop runaway government spending, and reaffirm America’s culture and family values.  I also believe, as District Attorney, I’m going to prosecute my friend Jim Dobson for saying he doesn’t believe that I don’t believe that a long-haired hippie wasn't our Lord’s son, because my campaign manager says I should.  But since I’m not really a District Attorney… a Senator, actually, I think… wait.  Cut!  Cut!  Can we re-shoot this scene?  Where’s the director…

I’m sorry, D.A. Branch… er, Senator Thompson, but our time is up.  Thank you all for watching.

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