From U-K Wire Reports

Weary of continual public criticism regarding their obscene salaries, America’s top-rated Chief Executive Officers flew in company-sponsored Lear jets to Las Vegas yesterday to prove, once and for all, that their innate business skills merited such enormous pay levels—even when the corporations they lead perform poorly.

U-K News caught up with the splay-footed group at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino, where they had camped out at the Roulette wheels.  When asked if he and his well-heeled companions were just warming up with a little fun at the facile guessing game, and planned to later invade and conquer the more challenging poker tables, Scott Rearend, the portly CEO of Luce Sockets, said “No, we’re staying here.  Roulette is the perfect game to represent our decision-making talents.  Games like Texas Hold-Em and Blackjack require way too much thinking.  Those games are hard!”

We watched as Rearend spread $1000 dollar chips all across the betting table, covering every number except ‘00’.  “Double zero almost never comes up for me,” he explained, “And when it does, I sometimes put a chip on it for the next spin.”  Rearend clapped his meaty hands together and began shouting as the croupier spun the ball around the spinning wheel, and then whooped uproariously when the number came up ‘Red 25’.  “See?  I win almost every time.”

Joe Duncehead, the flamboyant CEO of Cornwhole Industries, was equally jubilant at an adjoining table.  His winning technique was slightly different than Rearend’s, however, in that he only placed chips on all black numbers, eschewing the red, and mysteriously avoided bets on ‘00’, ‘11’ and ‘13’.  When asked to explain the strategy behind his parlay, Duncehead pointed to his temple and whispered in a conspiratorial voice: “Double-Zippo and Unlucky 13 go without saying, but 11 is my wife’s shoe size.”  We continued chatting with the affable Duncehead, who his 10,000+ employees affectionately call “The Dunce”, while the wheel was spun and the ball unfortunately came to rest on ‘Red 16’.  As the apologetic croupier casually swept at least $18,000 of Duncehead’s money into the house coffers, the Cornwhole boss muttered sadly “That happens a lot.  Good thing I got a big bonus this year.”

Things were a little more profitable at the high-technology table, where Gill Bates of MicroMush and Jeeve Stobbs of Crapple Inc. faced each other over the spinning roulette wheel, their grim expressions reflective of the brutally competitive mushware business in which their companies thrived.  Bates was dominating the red numbers with $10,000 dollar chips on 1,3,5,7,9,12,14,16, and 18, while Stobbs contented himself with similar bets on 2,4,6,8,10,13,15,17, and 19—all black.  They had both placed considerable wagers on ‘0’ and ‘00’, and when asked why they weren’t following the examples of their fellow CEO’s Rearend and Duncehead, Bates responded in typical geek fashion with “Double zero is two bits in the software biz.”  Stobbs, gulping down a Jack and Coke, added “We split all our proceeds, anyway.  What do you think we are, gamblers or something?”

Suddenly, a tumultuous cheer erupted behind us at the last table, and we walked over to see Jess Average, President and CEO of Shady Oil, side-by-side with a fetching young woman carrying at least twenty stacks of thousand dollar bills, several of them stuffed into her ample cleavage.  We asked the ultra-wealthy oilman what had happened.  “I knew I would hit double-zero,” Average exclaimed.  “I just knew it.  Second try, even!”   As he chugged his beer and leered at his smiling escort, who was shaking her cash-heavy bosoms with excitement, we congratulated the Shady Oil executive on his clearly superior gambling abilities, and then inquired as to how large his initial bet had been, in order to generate such ostentatious winnings.

“Oh, these?” Average playfully tweaked the woman’s left breast and giggled “Now yer stacked, honey pie,” before finally turning to us and responding.  “I gave her pimp $500 and told him I wanted a good return on my investment.  He must be one hell of a card player.”

	Web useless-knowledge.com