Illegal Immigration? No Problem.

Articles

Illegal Immigration? No Problem.

By Erv Bobo
Apr. 12, 2007

I've solved the problem of what to do about illegal immigration.

But, first, let's stipulate a few things:

The operative word is illegal. Forget the doublespeak of Senators Kerry, Kennedy, McCain and others; anything illegal is a crime and crimes are criminal offenses. With me so far?

Now, let's examine some of the liberal talking points.

"To rid ourselves of illegal immigrants would hurt the economy. They do the jobs Americans won't do."

What? Americans won't do roofing and siding work? Americans are not willing to step in and snatch up all the loose money being spent reconstructing New Orleans?

What would really be hurt would be the ability of wealthy people like Kerry and Kennedy to hire Mexicans for wages less than they'd have to pay an American citizen. And the southwestern agribusiness friends of McCain and Bush would be hurt for the same reasons.

"They come here to seek a better way of life."

Illegal driver's licenses, stolen Social Security numbers? Listen, the guy who holds up your neighborhood gas station is also seeking a better way of life.

"Mexico will be angry with us if we try to stop the flow."

So who cares?

"It would bankrupt the country to prosecute all cases of illegal immigration." (Only the liberals don't call them illegal immigrants; to them, these are undocumented workers.)

All right, then. I'll play their silly game. Henceforth and forevermore I am the undocumented King of America (beat you to it, Senator Kerry) and I have a solution.

But first, the conservative talking points.

"Illegal immigrants are a drain on our social welfare system." True.

"Illegal immigrants will cause us to become a bi-lingual country." Hey, it's already happening.

"Illegal immigrants flood our school systems and demand lessons and textbooks in Spanish." See above.

So, how to make everyone happy? How to solve the problem without bankrupting the farmers and contractors who have come to depend on cheap labor to line their pockets? How to fund the social welfare system? How to prevent America from remaining bi-lingual?

Let's tackle the last question first, because it's the easiest.

JUST SAY NO.

Listen, these are criminals making these demands. We don't force banks to have an open-vault policy to accommodate bank robbers. We don't force people to sit on their porches so the drive-by killers can have a better shot.

Why give in to people who cross our borders illegally, who drain our welfare system, who work for lower wages than Americans (thus forcing some Americans to go on welfare)? If they insist on keeping their language, they should stay where their language is spoken.

Now, to solve the other problems, I propose the King Erv the First Chainless Chain Gang System.

Arrest all illegal immigrants. Book them and try them and, as we do with other criminals, send them to prison. First offenders get one year, second offenders get five years, third offenders get life. Sure, it'll be costly but 100% effective. We won't have to appoint public defenders for them: they are here illegally and thus not entitled to the benefits of citizenship.

Nor will we put them behind the stone walls of San Quentin. Instead, we built the kind of labor camps once used for chain gangs in the south. Cheap and effective.

Still, so far it's all more outlay, more expense. Incarcerated people must be fed and clothed, for America is not an inhuman country.

So let's get to the payback.

These prisoners are hired out to do the same jobs they're now doing: roofing, siding, picking fruit and lettuce and whatever. The farmers and the contractors still have their labor.

And they still must pay a fair price for that labor.

But the bulk of the wages are paid to the state in which the illegal is incarcerated.

Let's do the math, picking figures out of a hat in order to clarify a point.

Let's say a picker of lettuce earns five dollars an hour on the free market and typically works a ten hour day. $50.00

But prison wages are about a dollar a day and an incarcerated man has little use for any more. That's $49.00 going to the state to pay back the costs of our legal and social systems.

Multiply that by the number of illegals in California. Let's say there are only 100,000 of them - though I'd bet the number is much higher. I'm just trying to keep the math simple, folks.

$4,900,000 PER DAY, going back into the state's coffers. $34,300,000 PER WEEK. $178,360,000 PER YEAR.

Hey, you can issue a lot of food stamps for that kind of money. And build a hospital and a couple of schools.

Even after the federal government (who should have thought of this long ago) takes a ten percent cut from each state, the states still have more than enough profit. And the federal government can begin to pay down the national debt in a big way, buy back those bonds and things that are giving China ownership of America.

Think of it as "Cool Hand Luke" without the chains and the hardship.

Listen, the illegal immigrants are doing the same jobs they'd be doing if they weren't prisoners. No torture there for Senator McCain to agonize about. They are simply being deprived of enjoying the profits of their crime - in the same way we insist burglars give back the stolen jewelry.

Take the profit out of crime and there is no reason for anyone to be a criminal - save for crimes of passion, of course.

Mark my words: Within five years of the Chainless Chain Gang System going into effect, illegal immigration will cease.

But before those five years come to pass, I imagine the President of Mexico awakening one morning and summoning his cabinet.

"Hey, those guys are supposed to be sending U.S, dollars to their families in Mexico. Instead, they're all in prison camps and we got nothing. Why can't we make it a crime to leave Mexico illegally and put them in our own prison camps?"

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About the author: Erv Bobo is a freelance writer with delusions of being a humorist He is the author of THE CHEYENNE BRAND, currently available at Lulu.com.

Email: Dasher1945@aol.com

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