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Threatening Vacuum Cleaners And More Easter Sunday Mayhem

By Fred Smith
Apr. 10, 2007

I mentally rolled my eyes when entirely too many family members remarked that we should have Easter at my house this year. I now have so many dirty dishes that I better get a new audio book before tomorrow...

The mother of my children is out of town on work-related matters, so it was left to me to get the place ready. We keep a clean house, but with kids and animals, keeping the floors clean is a constant challenge. I had just got the kids motivated into finishing their toy-pickup when the vacuum broke.

It wouldn't suck! I ran it over some fuzz and that spot seemed clean, but when I went to a new spot and came back around, it was dirty again. So I shut it off and took a closer look. This is a fairly new machine and I'd never taken the bottom off. By the brilliant design of some sadistic engineer, I had to get a screwdriver to remove the bottom panel.

When I came back with the Phillips, I unscrewed the cover to the roller but it wouldn't come off. Two other plastic pieces held it in place, each had to be bent and “unhooked”. Being new, I couldn't do it by hand, the plastic was too rigid and I didn't want to break it, so I had to go get a flathead and still had some difficulty.

Finally, I got it off and noticed that the hole leading to the bag was plugged. I removed the big ball of hair and dust, screwed the thing back in (though I wondered why I should bother with the screws, it held in place tightly without them) and turned the machine back on.

For a few minutes, I thought it was working but then I had the same issue – dirt was being moved around, but nothing much was getting sucked. So, once again, I removed the bottom panel using two screwdrivers and unplugged that hole. This time, I thought perhaps the stringy stuff caught around the roller was the problem. Maybe when it spun, it somehow prevented dirt from being pushed up into the hose leading to the bag. Removing the roller, I found that there was quite a lot of it on there, as if the floor is often covered with mysterious strings of all colors and strengths.

I had to get a steak-knife to cut most of it off. At this point, time was running out and the guests were soon to arrive so I was getting pretty upset. Stupidly, I again took the time to screw the tight-fitting unit back on and told the cleaner within ear shot of my kids that I would drop kick it outside if it didn't work.

Once again, it refused to cooperate. Actually, it was much worse – it started smoking. And it kept smoking as I was unscrewing it yet again, this time skipping the flat-head step and just ripping the panel off. I assumed the motor seized up and that some hair or string was smoldering. It turned out that the belt had now snapped and the engine had gotten too hot. I once again screwed the panel back on. Although I was defeated, I did break my promise and refrained from kicking it outside. Instead I called my mom and asked her to come early and bring her sweeper.

Running late herself, she came only about 10 minutes before everyone else so I had to clean in record time, scaring the animals, who are usually used to the noise, in the process.

It snowed here today which is unusual for this area this late in the year, so we had our Easter egg hunt inside. What wasn't unusual is that we had real trouble finding the last egg. It seems to be something of a family curse to the adults, and a thrill for the kids, as everyone spent a good 45 minutes searching. Usually, we find it.

This year we didn't. It's a complete mystery and I expect it to turn up in a few days once the rot and stench set in. In the hubbub, it must have rolled or moved somewhere utterly unusual.

My sister bought her new boyfriend to meet everyone, a fellow college student of hers originally from Venezuela. I queried him about Hugo Chaves, curious to see what he thought about that nut basically setting himself up as dictator and running his country into the ground in the process. He blamed his fellow countrymen's enthusiasm on the previous few governments, all of which were corrupt it seems, but agreed that Chavez is doing nothing more than paying lip service to the growing poor, and that the whole mess is going in a bad direction.

He was laid back and easy to talk with and easy to get to know. He was a bit too laid back, actually, and my kids soon took advantage of him and kept him constantly occupied. At one point, they even covered him with blocks.

These occasions are always the same, making one feel entirely too stressed before hand, surprisingly jovial in the middle, and greatly relieved at the conclusion!

Addendum: Since I didn't get this off in time, I can add a few tidbits. The egg mystery was solved by my four year old daughter the morning after Easter. It had rolled first back, and then to the side, wedging itself behind a board game on a shelf in the dinning room. It seemed as if the board game was flush with the back wall, which is likely why no one was able to find it at first. The dishes are done (thanks in part to, "Letter to a Christian Nation"), and I “accidentally” forgot to remind my mom when she left that her sweeper was here. She still doesn't realize (though I expect a call anytime now...)


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About the author Frederick Smith: I enjoy writing about the positive virtues of humanism - humanists are the good guys.

I now have a blog that I will start to increasingly maintain and update. Here is the link:

fredsuberview.blogspot.com/

About my personal background and life: I was born, I got some education, worked, ate, and had some kids. It seems I like to write � something that was unknown to me until relatively recently...How's that for detail? ;)

Hate mail is welcome unless you are from the Army Of God. Please! It's not that I mind seeing pictures of aborted fetuses in my inbox, but once you've seen one you've pretty much seen them all...

Email: dahlek65@gmail.com


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