Tom Pain Auditions For His First Movie Role

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Tom Pain Auditions For His First Movie Role

By Thomas Keyes
Apr. 3, 2007

Three or four years ago, Tom Pain was working in middle management at a Dallas advertising agency, but he was entirely fed up with the boring ritual and routine. He felt like a glorified pencil-pusher and telemarketer. So he decided to drive out to Los Angeles to see what he could do in the way of debuting as a film star. He had played Greek tragedy, Shakespeare and Moliere in the neighborhood amateur show, and he liked western movies and detective stories.

Appearing at Disney Studios, he told the male receptionist, "I'd like to speak to Mr. Eisner."

"Yeah, you and about a million others."

"But I'm an actor, here to see about an audition."

"Yeah, you and about a million others."

"Maybe you can use me. I'm definitely talented."

"Can you do janitorial work? Right now, what we need around here is a new janitor."

"Well, if I can't talk to Mr. Eisner, let me talk to someone lower on the totem pole."

"Okay, here, step into Mr. Goldblatt's office."

Mr. Goldblatt, looking up, asks, "May I help you?"

"Yes, I want to audition for a role in a film."

"What have you done already? Let's see your portfolio."

"Well, I haven't done anything so far."

"Sorry, we can't use you."

Just as Pain starts heading for the door, a man rushes in and speaks quietly with Mr. Goldblatt. Pain doesn't pay attention and can't hear what they are talking about anyway.

"Hey, you, you with the baseball cap going out the door!" Mr. Goldblatt yells suddenly.

"Who? Me?" Pain asks.

"Yeah, you. This may be your lucky day! We're in a real bind. We need someone on the double to play a bit part. You game?"

"Bit part? I was hoping for something more substantial."

"Yeah, yeah, weren't we all? But it'll get your name into a directory or two at any rate. Rome wasn't built in a day."

"Well, okay. What's the deal?"

"Think you can play a dyke?"

"A dyke? Oh, man, you've gotta be kidding. My friends and family would disown me."

"We'll give you a screen name. They won't have to know."

"So what does the part involve?"

"It's very brief. You walk into a tavern and tell a big truckdriver sitting on a stool at the bar, 'Hey, move it over, bud.' The truckdriver, half loaded, turns around and floors you with a punch. Then we cut."

"But I don't look like a dyke."

"The hell if you don't. When we dress you right and make you up, you'll be a bad-ass dyke if there ever was one."

Turning green, as if he had found a dead lizard in his oatmeal, Pain tosses and turns his head, and is almost on the point of leaving.

"Well, come on. Yes or no?"

"Oh, I guess."

"Don't play hard to get. If you don't want it, we'll find someone else."

"I want it. I want it."

So within minutes, they film the scene. Pain's lines amount to just the five words, "Hey, move it over, bud," but a cue card is presented by a prompter as Pain walks across the tavern to the bar. The truckdriver gives Pain an honest-to-goodness sock in the jaw, and Pain falls to the floor.

"Perfect! Perfect! I don't even think we'll have to do a retake. You were great."

"Okay, but what kind of screen name are you going to give me."

"It has to be one of those unisex names, you know. What about 'Sandy Jefferson'? Do you like 'Leslie Cummingham'? How about 'Butch Browning'?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should pick out the name."

"There are some other first names that are AC-DC too. Let's see, we have 'Dana', 'Marion', 'Beverly', 'Hillary'."

"Hillary?" asks Pain with surprise, "I didn't know that there men named Hillary."

"Oh, sure," says Goldblatt, "There's Hillary Deveaux, and Hillary Benn. There's Hillary Shelton of the NAACP."

"Hmmm."

"In fact, I rather like that. It would go well with a long, somewhat whimsical surname though, like Hickenlooper maybe, or Hasselmeyer. That's it! That's a real killer! Hillary Hasselmeyer. That'll be your screen name."

"Oh, well, all right, what can I say? Now, what about some other roles?"

"We've got half a dozen dyke flicks coming up. I'll be keeping you in mind. Can you ride a motorcycle? Do you mind appearing in sexually explicit poses? Do you do S and M? Can you handle a whip?"

So that was the debut of Hillary Hasselmeyer as a Hollywood star.

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About the author Thomas Keyes: I have written two books: A SOJOURN IN ASIA (non-fiction) and A TALE OF UNG (fiction), neither published so far.

I have studied languages for years and traveled extensively on five continents.

Email: udikeyes@yahoo.com

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