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By Patrick Hurley Sept. 6, 2006 It is time to acknowledge the top WHINERS who have made us sick to our stomachs with their ongoing cries of, "I am a Victim!" this year. We have several categories and we want to ensure that these people who crave and rely on attention get their just due. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the poor sports of the world for 2006! Most Relentless Whiner....Joran Van der Sloot. This young man just doesn't get it. He takes a helpless girl to a beach and she disappears forever. First, he claims that he and his pals dropped her off safely at a hotel. Then, when his accusation that the security guards were the ones who saw her last crumbles, he changes his story and now says he left her alone on the beach and HAS NO IDEA what happened to Natalee Holloway after that! He went on ABC-TV this morning and whined (for the ninth interview in a row) that he is being unfairly judged and treated. He now claims he has a legitimate girlfriend and he just wants to move on with his life and be left alone. Stay tuned for his next whiny baby interview coming soon to a channel near you! Most Overpaid Whiner....Alex Rodriguez. He whines because he can't hit. He whines because he can't field. He whines because the Yankee fans yell at him because he can't hit and he can't field. Poor multi-millionaire batter boy. Zip it, Alex. Just go about your business and keep playing. Yankee fans are going to scream and shout if you only hit three homers in a game and hit the top of the fence on the fourth one. Heed what the umpire always declares at the start of every game, "Play Ball!" He doesn't say, "Play Ball and Everyone who watches you will always like you!" Geesh. Potential Olympic Whiners....the U.S. Men's Basketball Team. Remember when we quit using college kids to compete for the Gold medal in the Olympics because they kept losing? So we came with a novel idea...use NBA PROFESSIONALS! "The Dream Team" of Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, et. al beat the crap out of the rest of the world and we loved it! Well, those days are long gone, folks. The other countries in the basketball community have not only caught up to us, they have SURPASSED us! We can't shoot from the outside, we are helpless against a pick n' roll, we still struggle with the international style of play...we are now strong contenders for the bronze medal and our team whines every time they lose another championship. Too much ego, too little team play. Whining Politician of the Year....Hillary Clinton Watching Hillary's strategy is like plucking a daisy, "Now, she is running, now she is not, now she is running, now she is not..." She is as decisive as Ted Kennedy on a wooden bridge. The latest from Bill's girl is that she is frantically sending out surveys from all her supporters to see if she should run for President THIS month. Get a grip, Hill. More than that, get a SPINE! Whining Pariah until his last dying breath....O.J. Simpson He won the Heisman trophy. He was everybody's All-American. He taught us how to fly through airports. Now, he moans daily because no one believes he is innocent of a double murder and courageously looking for Colombian drug dealers on the 17th fairway at whatever exclusive course he happens to be playing. Whining Athletic Cheaters.....Marion Jones and Floyd Landis Their best friend is not their workout trainer or event manager but the needle they use before every race. Then, when they are tested and disqualified they scream to high heaven about their innocence. Maybe they should get that crack D.A. from Boulder to defend them. I understand she is especially gifted in believing ANY story from anyone... Whining Party Chairman of the Year....Howard Dean "Where is our PLAN? Where in the HELL is our PLAN!" Howard's decibel level of whining is beyond subtle. He is the National Chairman for the Democratic Party because he OVERWHELMS everyone else verbally. "We need a PLAN to defeat the Republicans in 2008 in California, and Ohio, and Texas, and Missouri and...." No, we need a PLAN to find enough duct tape to mute you for the next fourteen months. Whining Mother of the Year....Cindy Sheehan. I really believe that if her son, Casey, could come out of the grave and strangle her he would. She has not only demeaned his memory with her obsessive stalking of President Bush, she has singlehandedly turned more people in FAVOR of the war in Iraq with her rants. This is a person who got a unique opportunity to meet President Bush and PRAISED him and then woke up one day and said, "Hey, I'm an idiot! I don't like the war in Iraq after all! I will say this for her, she got the FIRST part of that sentence right.... Whining Television Viewers of the Year.....The Kyra Phillips Critics! By now, you may have heard what happened when the female anchor of CNN went to the bathroom and left her microphone on. I watch Kyra Phillips every day. She is GREAT! Any news person who juices up the broadcast with a little side conversation about her sister in-law, ("my brother's wife is a control freak!") in the stall while people all over the world are eavesdropping during the President's speech is a winner to me! Anyone who complains about a boring telecast being more fun live in a ladies room is a WHINER to me. Kyra handled the situation with class. I fell off my chair laughing. Lighten up, world. It's just a bathroom break! And a Special Whining Mention goes to: Most Oversensitive Blogging Whiner....Frank DeSimone Talk about a freak show. This guy originally started a blog to SUPPORT the Twittys and Holloways in their attempts to find Natalee. But, when one of the family members ignored his suggestions as to whom she should or should not talk to regarding sources, good old Frank decided to make his blog more important than the Holloway family by publicly ripping Dave Holloway's wife for not agreeing with his wisdom and insights into the case. I won't reveal the name of his blog because I don't want anyone to read it anymore. The initials were D.A. P. so let's just call it, Dumb Ass Pompousness. When you write hurtful things about grieving family members because you believe YOU are the real significance here, you need to retire your, "Let's Support Natalee!" career. That's it, folks! See you all next year and remember...keep those handkerchiefs DRY! ------------ About the author:   Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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