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By Patrick Hurley Oct. 5, 2006 In a stunning press conference today, former Representative Mark Foley shocked reporters by proclaiming, "I am not only an alcoholic and was a molested child but I am also a teenage girl. That is why I sent those horrible emails to the young male page." Saying that, Foley ripped off a rubber mask exposing the face of an adolescent female complete with smeared mascara and uneven lipstick. "For years I have been hiding a deep, dark secret and it has only been through the events of recent months that I have decided to come clean. I was so ashamed when I got my first period in the sixth grade that I ran away from home and took on a new identity. At first, I tried to pass myself off as a circus clown but an elephant almost stepped on me and so I began working up in eastern Washington as a beautician. But, I soon found I could not cut it as a hairdresser or a manicurist so I moved to Arizona as a crossing guard. It was there that I met John McCain and over a lunch of cherry coke and french fries he encouraged me to go into public service. Since he was a Republican, I wanted to be one, too. I bought a sports bra, shaved my head, found a rubber mask of Bill Clinton and altered it to look like me now. Then, I ran for office in 1990 in Florida and won at my real age of 18 years." When reminded by reporters that it was not chronologically possible for him to be a teenage girl since he had been in public office for sixteen years already, Foley changed his story. "Okay, I AM still an alcoholic and a molested child. But, I am not really a teenage girl. I am actually the real father of the young male page whom I abandoned in 1991 and I was writing to him to uh, to...see if, or how he would handle an adult tempting him. He uh, um, passed my test with flying colors and I am very proud of him. Yes, I am." As he was handed a birth certificate by the boy's family attorney proving he was not actually the birth father, Foley stepped back up to the microphone, "All right I guess the jig is up. The real reason I wrote to the page is because I am doing my own undercover work on male pedophiles for the committee and I thought it best to go on the internet and see for myself what these young people encounter and how they respond. Because of the sensitive nature of the mission, I had to make it as realistic as possible. That is why I became addicted to pornography, cocaine and pain killers. I am ashamed of myself as any teenage girl would be..." (shouts from the press corps) "Nay, nay!" "Well, what I meant to say as this boy's real father..." (more shouts) "Nay, nay!" "Okay, in my attempts to find the truth in pedophile behavior on the internet for the committee..." (a police officer walks up and takes Foley by the arm) "It is time to go back to your cell now, sir..." Upon leaving, former Representative Foley shouted back over his shoulder, "I am really a DEMOCRAT planted in my office to embarrass President Bush! So, if you hate me and what I did, vote REPUBLICAN! Can you all hear me? Vote...R-E-P-U-B-L-I-C-A-N! I love Teddy Kennedy! I admire what he did to that girl at Chappaquiddick. Bill Clinton is my HERO! We smoked cigars together. Women are to be objectified and used. I am a Demo...what are you all doing with that duct tape...HEY! Mmopuypggogfdgfou!" House speaker Dennis Hastert says the investigation into the truth is ongoing. ------------ About the author:   Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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