HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
Nov. 10, 2006 I turned 60 in October and don’t know how this happened. It seems like yesterday that I dealt with all my childhood fears. Did I say “all?” Did I say “childhood?” Actually it wasn’t until I was 40 that I began to feel comfortable in my own skin. It wasn’t until I was 40 that I felt I could be more than my parents expected me to be. My parents were raised in Poland and came to this country as teenagers. My mother came with her younger sister to live with relatives in Baltimore and my father was fortunate enough to come to this country with his parents. I don’t believe that my parents ever got their high school diploma and my dad, the sole breadwinner, sold life insurance in the days when you collected premiums door to door. I was the youngest daughter, separated many years from the lst and 2nd older daughters. College was a word that didn’t hold much meaning in our family period. Getting married and having children was my parent’s greatest aspiration for the three daughters. Since I was the baby of the family, some said I was my daddy’s favorite. If I was, it was only because my father wanted a son so badly that he felt guilty in everything he did for me. My parents did not have what I would call a healthy relationship, but it lasted to their deaths nonetheless. I always felt that childhood and the joys of it eluded me completely. From the time I could remember, I was the “peacemaker” in the family and it was a role I took very seriously. So much so that I became a hyper-vigilant child constantly listening to adult conversations and on call should I have to break up an argument-that often became physical. I firmly believe that this hyper vigilance created what today would be called an attention-deficit child. I still cannot remember any movies I have seen nor any books I have read. Feeling more comfortable with older people, I dated boys in college when I was in high school. I suppose I was looking for the stability of someone older and the affection from a male. My dad was reluctant to give me affection and looking back, I don’t think my mom would have liked him to. She was always seeking his attention and found a way through hypochondriacal behaviors to get it. I modeled her behavior in this area to some extent and learned in my late 20’s the repercussions that it would have on me. I married a likewise rather needy young man. His past, while quite different from my own, was not stable either. We married when I was 19 and he was 21. I gave up junior college to marry and allow him to continue on to get his undergraduate degree that took many years. During that time, we had two boys and I tried to be the mother I didn’t have. Mike was a good father too. We flew by the seat of our pants on many issues that children bring to the table, but we passed on good values in the good scheme of things. When I was in my late 20’s, all of the repressed feelings of fear and subsequent anger gave way to panic disorder. In those years, panic disorder and other anxiety disorders were treated with the usual tranquilizers and my medicine cabinet was stocked full of them. The more agoraphobic I got, the more I ran to the medicine cabinet and to doctors. It all came to a head one night shortly after we moved from my hometown of Maryland to New York. My sons were in elementary and middle school and being away for the first time from friends and family really ignited my panicky feelings. My marriage was not too stable, having had to endure many bouts of Mike’s unemployment. I finally sought help from a local psychiatrist who immediately put me on antidepressants. I threw out all of the tranquilizers and downer medications. Within a few months, I became a different person. I got a part time job and returned to junior college in the evenings. I met new friends (that I still have today) and fought my agoraphobia with every fiber of my being. Whenever I felt the urge to “flee,” I planted my feet firmly on the floor. Whenever, my legs felt wobbly, I stood up straighter and focused on some inanimate object. Whenever I had dissociated feelings, I moved my body in closer to the conversant to listen more intently. Claire Weeks, a person who wrote a book I read years ago, taught me a saying that I still recite today whenever I get fearful-“If God be for me, who can be against me.” I never thought of myself as a religious person even though I came from an Orthodox Jewish home. I always felt that I wanted to believe in a higher being and be the kind of person that that being would be proud of. And, it didn’t matter if I followed traditions or not. My 40’s saw a more stable, assured woman. I still had to battle the old demons from time to time, but the feelings I had about myself as a person were getting stronger and stronger. I made jokes, laughed at myself, could get complete strangers to tell me their life history in short order and decided that there must be a way for me to be in the world that would allow me to help others. The role of counselor--that had been with me throughout my childhood--still existed. Everyone who needed a good ear knew where to find one. My self-esteem flourished through the times when I was called on to help others cope with their problems. We moved back to Maryland eight years after living in New York. I had mixed feelings about moving back. I wanted to be near my parents as they were aging, but I didn’t want to fall back into the old patterns of expectations or lack thereof. I knew that I was destined to be more than I was and so I pursued my education. I graduated college the same year as my sons did-expect I graduated “cum laude.” It was not an easy road for me, but I did it while working too. After graduation, I secured a position with the Department of Education under their Outstanding Scholar Program. In my 50’s, I knew that I could take care of myself financially if I needed to and the idea gave me strength and courage. I continued to believe that life had more for me and I had more to give back. I ran a support group for people with anxiety disorders and phobias and that too made me feel better about myself. I decided that graduate school was the next order of business for me. I love learning and charging my tuition on a credit card was something I was used to. I don’t advocate it, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. I completed my M.S. degree in Clinical Community Counseling from a prestigious University. I graduated with a 3.7 average so I had lots to be proud of. I did an internship at a center that counsels youths and their families and found the experience very rewarding but stressful. It was after the internship that I realized that in order to get hired as a counselor, I would need to be “supervised” by a trained therapist and had to accumulate the necessary hours to be certified. And, I still needed to work full time because my income had risen considerably in the 16 years within the Federal government and you know that you get used to a certain standard of living, right? Plus, I realized that I needed something more creative to do. Well, now that I’ve reached this milestone in my life, I am continually trying to figure out just where I belong in this world. My destiny is not fulfilled. I still have important work to do in this world. I’m still married to Mike and this is a good thing. I have shed most of my childhood fears and now need to shed some weight! I’d better get in shape physically so I can compete with the younger baby boomers. I am still in the counselor role that I was born into. Some things never change. I think about my mother in her 60’s and remember the housedresses she wore. She never wore pants until she was in her late 50’s. Here I sit with my jeans on. ------------ About the author: Beverly Stern has an M.S. degree in Clinical Community Counseling. She has written two children's books that she hopes to get published. Email: Beverly.Stern@ed.gov Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
