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 By Patrick Hurley May 30, 2006 With my compliments to William Shakespeare, the concept of someone or something that has gone missing was brought to my conciousness again this morning.... The FBI has announced they have concluded their most recent search for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. Yep, he is STILL missing! He is one elusive little sucker, huh? Little did we know back in 1975 that his parting would last over thirty years. One of these nights I am going to sneak into Giants Stadium... There seem to be a lot of things MISSING these days. Let me list some notable examples here: An exit strategy from Iraq. It is now apparent that President Bush is going to let his successor do the parting of ways here. Just as LBJ couldn't rectify his mistake in sending hundreds of thousands of troops to Vietnam, George W is letting the next President do his dirty work. I bet when Bush was in a fraternity in college he never touched a vacuum cleaner, either. Ashlee Simpson's voice. Her fans don't seem to notice, but the rest of the world is wondering WHERE her singing ability is hiding out. This is one vocalist who needs to thank her lucky stars for one concept: A synthesizer! Okay, who took the Piston's jump shots? Give them back, QUICK or their season is over. Memo to the Wizard of Oz: Take back the BRAIN you gave to the scarecrow and give it to the CBS Vice-President in charge of the news division for allowing his reporters to travel in military convoys in Iraq. Two newsman dead, one in critical condition. A new oxymoron....media intelligence. To Al Gore....stay MISSING! Maybe all the illegal immigrants will misplace the United States and wind up in Canada. They have more open land than we do and they could use a little spice. I mean, how many HISPANIC Canadians are there anyway? Why can't the oil company executives go to lunch at the same restaurant Jimmy Hoffa went to that day? The Da Vinci Code parted with the truth from the beginning. Why can't its readers reunite with their common sense and see Dan Brown for the insidious moron for who he is? Hillary Clinton has parted with the liberal wing of the Democratic party adding to her past separations from the marriage bed, honesty, integrity and men in general. New Orleans left the universe for a year. It will be nice to have the city back. I miss the flashing babes on Bourbon Street! Speaking of leaving the universe, the Democratic Party has been gone for six YEARS now! Asking Howard Dean to be Moses is like asking Jack Kevorkian to tend to your grandparents. We will MISS a great character actor who died over the weekend. Paul Gleason. He was the smarmy principal in, "The Breakfast Club," and, the goofy deputy police chief in, "Die Hard." He had a great line in that movie as he watched Hans fall from the Nakatomi building, "Gee, I hope that's not a hostage!" Will Paris Hilton ever find happiness? Will Paris Hilton ever find MATURITY? And, finally, will any of us SURVIVE until we are rejoined with (GASP!) the new episodes of American Idol, Desperate Housewives and CSI? We ache for them as Oprah yearns deeply for her next mustard-slathered bratwurst. Like William said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow...." ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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