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 By Patrick Hurley May 28, 2006 From the moment she was born she wanted more than anything to make others around her happy. There was a tragic side to her even as a child. She always loved but was cautious about being loved back. Her friends thought they really knew her but most of them never saw her tears when she would cry. They only saw her laughter. She was the kind of girl to keep things inside her. Her real emotions were always invisible, even to her family. She was private in so many ways. She was a child of divorce. She was often dominated by her mother, but only because that parent wanted the best for her child and tried too hard to ensure it. She was adored by her father who was not always able to express the way he felt in words. He was a quiet man perhaps giving those genes to the girl who inherited his private side When it came time to separate, she said goodbye to dad and moved east with mom. As she made new friends, in that new community, the shadows in her soul deepened. She was always smiling on the outside, but that was not really her. There was so much more going on inside her conflicted spirit. She had a depth to her that set her apart from the other girls in her world. She was a genuine soul in a world of image. She watched everyone and made a promise to herself that someday she would be free from the pressure of affluent conventions. She did not want people to like her for what she did, but to love her for who she was, flaws and all. She often felt very alone because of those feelings. She was the kind of American girl who emanated a charisma to everyone else while she foundered inside. She felt things most of those around her did not feel. They all thought she was just like them. She was not. To compensate for that aloneness, the girl reluctantly decided that achievement might fill the ongoing void in her soul and she threw herself into her school work and several extra-curricular activities. She danced and smiled as if she had not a care in the world. She earned a scholarship to college. By all accounts, she was the typical American girl who made her community proud of her. But, she knew there was more to that for her. In her senior statement, she dreamed of being in a place someday that would take her far and away from the world she knew. It was that fantasy that kept her going in life. As she excelled with honors, she felt increasing pressure from those around her to always be perfect. Whether it was real or imagined, that is how she felt. America is full of girls like her. The tragic and beautiful female that no one really comprehends or is able to penetrate beyond the physicality of her being. Marilyn Monroe was like that. So was Natalie Wood. Beautiful, fragile, conflicted, empty and eventually, gone from the life that brought so much pain and confusion. It was only after they leave us that we realize how special they were and how little we understood them. This American girl was no different from the others who broke our hearts with their passing. Ironically, like the others, she never knew her own specialness. She only understood the loneliness. Many times we believe we understand someone we love but we may not. Who can comprehend the yearnings of a deep soul? Even the person who possesses it may not be able to sense the truth about themselves. Did Princess Diana know why she was dangerous to herself? Did Elvis? John Belushi? Somewhere along the line of life there can be a disconnect. When that happens, rational decisions are often the last solace of a struggling heart. We know now that the girl went to paradise and never came back. We also understand that she did not behave in a manner that typified her reputation. She was not always consistent, as most teenagers are not, but no one expected her to boldly separate herself from the pack in the way she did. The independent child had made her big move. Only someone with a strong will and a determined resolve would launch her essence into a perilous and unknown environment that most young women would avoid with all their might. From all reliable accounts, the girl was not drugged or coerced. So, was she finally acting out her freedom which had been a desire of hers several years earlier and stated firmly in her senior testament? If no one really knew her, then her actions probably surprised a lot of people. Maybe she felt it was her time and she had nothing to lose. Being daring and taking a huge risk may make sense if she was tired of always being the good girl. Was this one of those moments that she had always dreamed about? All we know is the final result. The rest is conjecture. As that last passage in her life was about to occur on that Sunday night, one year ago, the girl seemingly reached out for her fantasy in a desperate attempt to feel herself beyond the limitations set for her by others. She wanted to break out of what was always expected of her and, perhaps rebelling against a life that had seemed somewhat unfair to her, she trusted not her roommates, but virtual strangers who had the potential to make or break her heart and more. Knowing what she was doing was wrong and a reaction to the high standards she had consistently followed since time immemorial, she waved away her friends and entered the final darkness of a life she was never able to realize and for those fatal moments, as she stepped into the car and away from who everyone thought she was, did not care to honor it. To this day, no one seems to know why she made a terrible choice that eventually cost her everything... We also know that the individuals she enjoined were the last ones to see her alive. In those early, blurry moments well past the midnight hour of sobriety and saneness, the girl pushed beyond what she knew was safe and secure and skidded into a place she had never known before. In the past, she had ventured to the edge of destructive behavior, but had always pulled back because the ones she knew and trusted were always there to save her. But now, as the horrific minutes built into an hour and more of a fantasy turned nightmare, she suddenly realized that the life she fought so hard to normalize was slipping away rapidly preventing her safe return with no family or friends in sight to save her this time. Too late, she realized that she could not find her way back through a fog that thickened with each horrific moment. The emotions she had always felt, confusion, pain, the need to be her own person, self-doubt...along with the dreams, hopes and happiness that had defined her existence was coming to an end and there was nothing she could do about it. She struggled with the final destiny she was not ready to face, but beyond her power to stop. She screamed for survival and no one heard her. At least no one who cared about her.Deep in her mind, she began to realize there was no hope now. If she thought she had felt alone before, that was nothing compared to this final descent into a universe she had never seen. This was it. There would be no tomorrow for her. Her finality was settling in. As she felt her last gasps of air and the blackness closing in she undoubtedly thought of God, her mom and dad, her friends and finally, the fear of what is was like to die when she least expected it. Earlier that evening on the island paradise that was cruelly to be the place where she breathed her last breath she had no warning of what had awaited her. In so many ways, she had lived alone with no one there to really understand her. And now, as she felt her life finally ending, there was no one who loved her to say goodbye to her... The little girl who grew up understanding what was like to be alone. Died alone. Like Marilyn Monroe, another sweet girl who never knew how much she meant to those around her, we may never know if she died accidentally or she was murdered. Now, she is gone forever. But not to those who loved her. Not to a father who cries every day because he remembers his sweet girl, for there is something very special between a dad and daughter from the first time he holds her in his arms. Not to a mother who will never let the world forget the girl she tried so hard to understand and would give her own life if she could have one more chance of saying, "I love you," to her child's face. Her friends, her family members and those of us who were touched by her, will continue to hope and pray that her death was not a meaningless tragedy, not a ratings news event, not a voyeuristic look into a family that has been torn apart by a nightmare most of us will never comprehend, but a final reminder of how special she was, how fragile she was, how vulnerable she was, how she touched so many in life and in her death and how much we all miss her even though she would be the last person to ever understand that.... But we do. Forever. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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