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 By Patrick Hurley May. 10, 2006 As I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on the Riverside Freeway I was thinking to myself, "Isn't there a gas CRISIS?" For some silly reason, I expected higher gas prices to translate into LESS congestion on the highways! Instead, there are more cars on the road than ever before. What is the deal here in California? Do we have a gas guzzling DEATH WISH? Why aren't we pursuing alternative options to driving alone...riding a bicycle, carpooling, having Scottie beam us up, phoning in sick four days a week, hang gliding, roller blading, sidewalk surfing or asking OJ how he managed to fly through airports... Of course, OJ is not available. He is still down in Columbia getting high on coke with the drug lords and celebrating his revenge on Nicole. (I read about that in the Enquirer while I was stuck in traffic) While we are on the subject of "hard news," Tom Cruise's new movie is bombing, Brittney CONFIRMED she is pregnant, Jessica Simpson dyed her hair red and Nick's new song suggests he wants her back. Some hotshot producer wants to combine the two biggest hits on television and call it, "Desperate Idle Housewifes in America." He believes it will confuse millions of Americans who will tune in every week to see Simon Cowell have an affair with Teri Hatcher. Or maybe have Simon have an affair with himself.. So, I crawl along in my (paid for) 1998 Camry still aghast at seeing $50.13 in that little satanic rectangular window at my local service station an hour earlier. This highway robbery convinced me to go with coffee WITHOUT donuts for the trip. That is how serious these high prices at the pump are for me. When I begin eschewing my maple bars instead of CHEWING them, I get a little whiny. As I sit there fuming at the thousands of red tail lights blocking me I KNOW there are Saudi Arabians somewhere smoking big, fat cigars and laughing at us as they sit by their million dollar pools of luxury and play, "Paper, rock, scissors" to determine which of them will benefit with the next price increase. The analysts are now suggesting that a $100 barrel is possible. That will not only eliminate my coffee, it will nauseate my entire being. In a country that has so many resources to solve just about every technical problem, we seem to be powerless in accomplishing two things: lowering the price of oil and teaching the supposedly brilliant forensic scientist, Dr. Henry Lee to speak coherent English? Geez, it's not like he just ARRIVED in this country... To make matters worse, I heard on the news today that Californians are paying 30 cents MORE per gallon of gas than the rest of the country for our gasoline! Why is THAT? Because we have beautiful beaches, mountains and deserts? Because we have Rodeo Drive, Malibu and Beverly Hills? Because we have glamorous movie stars, intriguing celebrities and superstar athletes? No, it is because we are VAIN. The blue collar workers in Pennsylvania would set down their lunch pails and kick some ass if they floated an increase in their state. The redneck South would go NUTS! If you think there were bombings of abortion clinics, get ready to duck and cover if they had to pay more for their pickup trucks and RV's in the $3.50 range. Midwest people would put their work ethic principles to good use and organize a boycott that would put the fear of GOD into the local station operators. Chicago is the City of Big Shoulders, not the Sap of Big Oil. But here...in goofy California, we consider anything excessive a status symbol. We bravely smile and thumb our nose at the rest of the world as we pay valiantly at the pump and then cower under a freeway overpass somewhere eating pork and beans with our bare hands. The legendary motto in Hollywood is, "Never let them see you SWEAT!" This includes scenarios like: An audition, praying for your agent to call for that coveted role, sitting on your hands waiting to see if you won an Oscar and....paying MORE than the rest of the nation when it comes to making sure our parking space on a freeway is reserved for the next several hours. By the time I got to my destination, I had not only read the Enquirer, I had MEMORIZED it! I know now more useless information than any human currently living on the planet. Thanks to all those people who should be home with their families or in a carpool lane, I saw pictures of Oprah skinny, stout, fat, pretty fat and REALLY fat (or maybe that was Elvis just before he faked his death?), what Lindsay Lohan really looks like WITHOUT makeup, (Howard Stern) George Bush giggliing to Laura in bed, "Do you realize if Hillary wins, SHE has to figure out how to end that stupid war in Iraq! And, an article suggesting we rename our largest population center, The Los Angeles Immigrants of Mexico City of Anaheim. Before I knew it, my three hour drive was coming to an end as I neared the end of my block. The only thing that would have made me smile at that point would have been coffee AND a maple bar but that choice was taken away from me because I happen to live in, ahem, California. We don't sweat out here. We just pretend we are cooler than the rest of you. It's the price we pay for our mystique. Try to limit your jealousy. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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