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 By Patrick Hurley Mar. 30, 2006 Well, it is painfully obvious to all of you who read my "winning mascot" article that the animals totally let me down! Never trust those furry creatures. They will break your heart. So, I have a new way of determining the championship now that my brackets (and YOURS!) have been smashed into miniscule pieces. Obviously, this tournament is a female because there was NO way any of us had a clue what would happen next. I mean...GEORGE MASON? Are you kidding me? My new predictions are based on a completely different set of standards. There are four teams left and I PROMISE you that I can pick the last three winners. Honest. I know I can do it. Trust me. Here is the formula. Take it to Vegas. George Mason is playing Florida in the first semi-final. LSU opposes UCLA in the nightcap. The winners of the two games compete against each other on Monday night for the championship. So, here is MY theory of who will win... Colors. If this is a female tournament, then the hue of the winners will be classier than those of the losers. So, which team has the prettiest uniforms? George Mason is green and gold. Florida is blue and orange. Hmm.... Okay, forget colors. Let's go with which STATE is better: Virginia or Florida. This one is easy. Virginia. The Old Commonwealth rules the swamp-infested, transient, serial killing, voting machine cursing, mosquito-laden Flori-duh. The Cinderella magic of the Patriots from classy Virginia will win out on Saturday. Final score: 71-64. In the other game, it will be California vs Louisiana. Hollywood, gorgeous beaches, fabulous mountains, national parks, Big Sur, the Golden Gate Bridge against sausage gumbo and cajun-flavored grits? Get serious. UCLA 65-61. I love Allen Robinski. He charmingly gets to the point. Unfortunately, he is an LSU Tiger fan and I just predicted that his Bayou Bengals will be de-clawed by the gutty little Bruins who will find a way to win. Of course, my selection makes Allen very joyous since he thinks I am terrible at this prediction game. But, I am confident I will be validated. I was the guy who said Michelle Kwan would fall on her derriere in the Olympics and not get a medal. I was also the guy who said Oprah Winfrey was a flash in the pan in 1983 when we both began our television careers together. I will eventually be proven right. She has not officially hit one billion dollars yet, so in a way she HAS failed, right? My point. The championship game will see my, er, the UCLA Bruins victorious over the Masons, 73-70. Allen, take heart...your LSU women's team will win the championship on Tuesday night, or whenever they play. So, it will not be a total loss for your beloved Pelican State. If Florida and LSU both win on Saturday, I am going to attempt suicide. I will be joined by executives of the CBS Network who are already dreading those two reaching the championship game. It will bring in the LOWEST ratings in the past 20 years. Dullsville. The only person passionately pulling for that to happen, other than Allen, is the only girl I ever loved. She currently resides in Louisiana with her dysfunctional husband. I know she still wishes we were together.... Come to think of it....so do I. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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