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By Tom Pain
Mar. 25, 2006 The idea for this article occurred to me after
translating the latest pathetic whining from our site’s resident
“wordsmiff,” who I call Liberace, in which he repeats his tiresome indignation
because some of us dare to suggest he speak English on site to be
understood. I dug through the Comments/Rebuttals section looking for those
posts he described that sought to ban certain contributors, but never found
them. Having been told by Liberace several times that I am “an
embarrassment to the site,” implying, I think most would agree, that I should
leave, I suspect many of those posts were written by him. However, I did
find a funny post that offered a dang good imitation of Liberace – check it
out!
Anyway, as I was imagining the real Liberace, in
sequined jacket, limp wrists tickling the ivories like they were Fabio’s
glistening buttocks, I got this image of the U-K Liberace hacking up that
expensive piano with an axe, holding the wooden ax shaft with one finger
extended in the manly fashion portrayed by his picture on our site. As the
splinters fly, and shards of ivory drop around him, he glances over at Fabio,
who’s admiring his passionate exercise with a bead of perspiration on his
quivering lip, and asks, “Isn’t this melody divine?”
Yes, to the Fabios of the world, a pummeling pansy
posing provocatively might seem melodic. The rest of us, however, just
don’t get it.
Then, I wondered, how would our site’s Liberace
fare in a friendly conversation with another legend of the keyboard, Stevie
Wonder. Could he “get his message” across, or would Stevie lose sight of
that message amidst the rubble of wires, pedals, ebony and ivory.
Stevie W.: “What the HELL is all this racket,
can’t you tell I’m trying to sleep in here?”
U-K Liberace: <still chopping at the
piano> “Rakit? Can’t hughes tale its good if it good when you tell its
music by its smell?”
Stevie W.: “Dang, I can’t even see and can
still tell your feet ain’t touching the ground. Did I hear you say
‘music’?”
U-K Liberace: “Little Stevie – oh my, your
not so little our you – I dint mean to wake hughes when I woak you after yu’er
sleeping. How bout I play summore music an put your back to bed? I
got a chanesaw if you lick it faster!”
Stevie W.: “DAMN, whitey, get your hands off
me! And I don’t need any more music, I need quiet! Did I hear you
say chainsaw? You crazy man.”
U-K Liberace: <sniffle> “Hughes dunt
like my music? Don’t hughes “git my message.”
Stevie W: “Hell no, I don’t get your message,
but I am getting a whiff of that perfume you’re wearing, did you dab a young boy
behind each ear this morning?”
U-K Liberace: <encouraged> “You
lick my perfume! Its called ‘Crème de la Cream, I drink it and it oozes
out my pores.”
UK Liberace: “Hey Little Stevie, wheel hughes
look at this song I rote, I no yule lick it?”
Stevie W: “If it’ll make you go away quietly,
you just gotta promise not to play it.”
U-K Liberace: <handing the sheet music to
Stevie> “Oh, thank hughes so mulch. If you only knew I no hughes
no how mulch this means if you know what when I mean it.”
Stevie W.: “Dang, you uneducated buffoon,
don’t you know I’m blind, I can’t read this.”
U-K Liberace: “Ooopsie boopsie, my little
miss steak Mr. Black manhunk, let me ficks it.”
<sounds of Liberace stabbing through the paper
repeatedly with the axe>
U-K Liberace: “Tee-hee, Iam not sew good with
Brale, they’re might be a miss steak but its the music thats
impotant.”
StevieW: “Sheesh, this is just a shredded up
piece of paper, what message, what song are you talking about?”
U-K Liberace: <sniffle> “Black Manhunk
dunt lick me agin. Iam sorry Little Stevie give me anuther
chance.”
Stevie W: <dialing cell phone>
“Yes, 911 operator, some uneducated buffoon is killing me over here, help
quick!”
Needless to say, Stevie W. never did get the message, and he grew tired of trying. But, notice that Stevie never told Liberace that he could not “play that piano.” I believe almost everyone here at U-K thinks our Liberace has a right to post his ax chopping articles on the site. In one sense, it makes the writing of all of us looks fantastic in comparison. True, in another sense, it’s embarrassing to be seen alongside such chicken scratch, but this is America and we’re free to go write elsewhere. I wish Liberace and Fabio a happy life together. ------------ About the author Tom Pain: Just an American boy with so much common sense, it hurts. Email: thomas.pain@direcway.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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