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June 26, 2006 Just in. Local news informants have revealed a plan by the NSA to begin monitoring all public restrooms in metropolitan areas such as New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Keokuk. Apparently, a new monitoring device called the fecometer is able to distinguish insurgent feces from non-insurgent feces. According to Carl Detwillis of the Keokuk branch of the NSA, the fecometer developed by a Russian scientist is able to pinpoint the exact location of toilets being used by Al Qaeda infiltrators. Detwillis stated that they (fecometers) could pinpoint toilet locations within two stalls of suspected Al Qaeda grunters. When questioned on how the device works, Detwillis explained that insurgents in America restrict their diets to no more than fig newtons, bananas, and Gatorade. Therefore, the fecometer is able to detect individual sewer lines spewing waste from that particular combination of food. Detwillis went on to say that cherry flavored fig newtons are ruled out of the combination, because Muslim insurgents hate cherries. A Whitehouse spokesman informed this writer that the Administration is excited about the new invention, but they are removing all the Gatorade from the premises in order to keep a false-positive reading from occurring. The spokesman stated also that liberals are already beginning to voice their distaste for the feces detector, complaining that it is an invasion of privacy and the public should not view the contents of one’s bowels. President Bush’s response to liberal complaints was, “I don’t give a good crap what they think. This is all for the good of our nation. If I have to monitor the bowel movements of every American for our security, I’ll do it. We will flush the insurgents out one way or another.” When asked about the Miami “seven” wanabe insurgents, Detwillis remarked, “we had their scent immediately. These guys thought they could get away with wearing adult disposables, but we were on their tails, literally.” One unfortunate occurrence was reported in Keokuk. A lady working at a local retail chain had been on a fig newton diet for several weeks. Her knickers were still below her ankles when NSA agents broke into to her stall immediately after she flushed. Little did they know that she had just emptied her colostomy bag into the porcelain basin. When agents broke into her stall, the lady reacted fearfully and threw her used bag at the agents. It was a malodorous event for all involved. Detwillis smiled slightly and quipped, “It’s a nasty business, but someone has to do it.”
According to Agent Detwillis, the United States is on the verge of extinguishing the problem of insurgency in its country. Between monitoring its citizens banking habits, telephoning habits, Internet habits, and…uh, well, pooping habits, insurgency will become passé and America will once again be free, and once again, the constipation (I mean, constitution) will be our guide to world domination.
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