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 By Patrick Hurley June 24, 2006 Evangelist and 700 Club Founder Pat Robertson declared today that Jesus Christ is dragging his feet in his promised return to earth. "I made a deal with him," expressed the frustrated Robertson, "I told him that if I pressed 2,000 pounds with my legs, he had to come back by 2005. He has reneged on his part of the bargain and I for one, am not happy about it!" When asked by reporters if Jesus had agreed to the deal, Robertson huffed, "Well, not in so many words, no. But, I have an excellent prayer life unlike that fool Oral Roberts or Mr. Wacko, Benny Hinn and I usually get my requests answered. This is a serious breach of trust between me and my God. One would think that if Jesus could walk on water or rise from the dead he could surely fulfill my request to end the world." There are rumors that Robertson's television network is in serious financial ruin and he is looking for a way to bail out of a debt that has run into the millions. The Apocalypse would certainly be a giant step in that direction. Robertson denies that is his real motive, "I have struggled a little bit lately, and sure, it would be nice to not have to pay those blood-sucking banks back, but that is not the real reason here. I have always been known as the smartest Christian leader around and when I tell all my viewers something, I expect it to be true. I am not a spiritual lightweight like Robert Schuller, a pervert like Jimmy Swaggert or a buffet mauling beast like Jerry Falwell, I am a guy who used to use his fists in a professional manner. I am a man's man. When I tell people that Jesus is coming back, I expect cooperation." Robertson was at a loss when questioned about the irresponsibility of the King of Kings to follow through on his pledge to the 700 Club cheese, "Maybe something went on up there that required his immediate attention. Maybe he is really busy right now with some red tape, perhaps Billy Graham is dying and they are getting ready for that. I have no idea. But, this is really irritating me. I am not used to anyone telling me no. Frankly, if Jesus Christ were my employee right now, I would fire him for insubordination. We take this end of the world stuff very seriously around here. The time to put the Muslims and terrorists in their place is way overdue. Those little punks need to be popped on the nose for eternity. My patience with them has worn out." Beginning today, Robertson is going on a long vacation. "I am a little burned out with the world depending on me," he acknowledged, "So, I am going to hang out in Florida with my pal, Rush Limbaugh. He agreed to share his condo with me and has made his personal physician available to me. I just need to lay on the beach, watch the waves roll in and out and experience some mind-numbing relief until Jesus finally gets his act together. But, if he doesn't come through by the fourth of July, I am going to take some drastic action. This is his last chance to appear in the clouds and clap his hands. I will not be made a fool of by someone who has always done what I have told him to do over the years." His drastic action? "I will become Jewish," said Robertson in a firm, unshaken voice. "It will be the greatest loss to Jesus and his kingdom since the foundation of the world. He will lose me as a spokesman. He won't have Pat Robertson to kick around anymore." As he walked away from the podium, he triumphantly thrust his fist in the air, looked upwards and exclaimed, "I am the best thing that ever happened to you!" When asked for comment, Reverend Billy Graham politely said, "Pray for him." Note: this article is a satire. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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