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 By Patrick Hurley June 22, 2006 Yesterday was my last speaking engagement to schools until August. I now have two months off to relax, catch up on my reading and lay by the pool. I was in a celebratory mood and it felt nice to look forward to the day that marked the beginning of my summer vacation... I should have gone back to bed. On the way home, I stopped off at an electronics store and bought new headsets for my cassette player so I would not have to listen to the grungy music at my health club. Message to the club: NOT EVERYONE IS 18-21 IN HERE! They felt great on my ears and soon I was on my treadmill working my forty minutes of walking and running. It was wonderful. I didn't have to listen to heavy metal interspersed with Enya. All I heard were the Beach Boys and Buddy Holly in my personal universe. Until.... Some guy got on the treadmill next to me and soon he was carrying on a LOUD and SPIRITED conversation with the guy next to him. He was telling a complete stranger that he had just moved up here from Cuba. Somehow, my new headphones were not quite blocking out Havana Boy. Yes, I could have moved to another treadmill, but I hate to stop my program. I had worked up just enough sweat and I was ROLLING... So, I improvised. If they were going to talk loudly, I was going to sing....LOUDLY! Soon, I could see them out of the corner of my eye staring at me in disbelief. They not only stopped talking, they got off their treadmill and moved to ones on the other side of the gym. I guess they didn't like the song, "Do-re-mi." Then, my personal trainer, a cute Italian girl named Elizabeth who moonlights as a masochist at night, decided to test my calves for knots. I laid on my stomach as she rolled a HARD RUBBER BALL into my flesh until I thought I was going to launch myself into the sales area located about twenty yards away! There is NO question in my mind that she hates men. Especially ones with TIGHT calves. I limped home and laid down for a little nap...calves throbbing. Just as I closed my eyes, the phone rang. My darling daughter was calling me. "Hi honey!" I chirped with my last ounce of strength. "Dad! I just got into a car accident!" I stared at the phone in disbelief. Obviously, my sweet girl was a little confused, "No, honey, you were in an accident three weeks ago..." She assured me she was not hallucinating, "I know. I just got into ANOTHER one!" I said, "I will be right there!" She gave me the coordinates to her location and I called her back as I rushed to the scene. It turns out that a thirty-something guy who had just bought a classic 1963 Ford Ranchero had neglected to check his brake fluid and had slid into the intersection just as my daughter was following her green light through it...SMACK! He had also neglected to buy automobile insurance. My daughter felt so sorry for him I almost was convinced it had been HER fault for driving legally! Since I had checks in my valise, I decided to make a deposit as we followed the tow truck to the auto body shop. I have a gift for endorsing checks and licking the ATM envelope at stoplights just in time to ensure that I don't hold up any cars behind me. After I rented a car for daughter dearest, I headed to the ATM and proceeded to set up my deposit....which, to my consternation, had not been sufficiently filled out. I had left off the amount of the two checks inside on the deposit envelope. I could not remember the amount, so I pushed, "CANCEL" on my transaction and my debit card popped out for me to retrieve it. (This was the card that had been newly issued to me since the previous one had been with me for a long period of time causing Wells Fargo to get nervous about any possibility of identity theft so they had provided me with a replacement.) I hated the change, of course, because then I had to notify all my direct billings that I had a NEW card number. It was a royal pain in the butt. But, I had finally memorized my replacement card and everyone was happy. I put the checks into the new envelope, licked it and got ready to re-start my deposit when I heard a, SNAP! from the ATM... It had sucked my card into its machine. I was horrified. I pushed, "CANCEL," "BEGIN," "CORRECTION," to no avail. I was out of buttons to hit. There was no speaker phone because it was an isolated ATM. The kind that independently mocks you when it eats your card. I guess they do this in case you drive off in your car and leave your card in the machine. But, this all happened within 30 SECONDS. I frantically called Wells Fargo and they assured me they would send out a new card within 3-5 days. With a NEW credit card number. I screamed at them, "I don't want a NEW credit card number. I want my OLD number!" The guy laughed of course. "No way, Mr. Hurley! That card has been shredded already. We will just send you a new one. No problem." What a silly fool I was to believe that a bank would do something REASONABLE to make up for an ATM that had a quicker draw than Billy the Kid. I came home and turned off my cell phone just in case my daughter decided to call and tell me she was in another accident I couldn't take any more. I was tired of celebrating my summer vacation.... ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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