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 By Patrick Hurley June 11, 2006 Every four years we are exposed to the "greatest" spectacle of international competition commonly known as the World Cup. To Americans, we know it as soccer. To the rest of the world, it is called football. To me, it is as mind-numbing as a nap after four Long Island iced teas. Have you ever been put to sleep in a hospital before surgery? Then you have a pretty good idea what it feels like to watch these brightly clad natives run up and down frenetically on a modern day cow pasture kicking and bopping a white ball with black trim. Please wake me when its over. I find the world's version of football almost as riveting as a Lawrence Welk Christmas Special. Even with Lawrence Welk DEAD, he is still more exciting. Here is the essence of a soccer game... RUN...RUN...RUN...RUN SOME MORE...KICK THE BALL...RUN...RUN...KICK THE BALL AGAIN...RUN...HIT THE BALL WITH YOUR HEAD...RUN...RUN BACKWARD...RUN BACKWARD SOME MORE....KICK THE BALL...NOW RUN FORWARD...KICK THE BALL...RUN.... Quick, check my blood pressure. I haven't been this excited since I did my laundry. Oh, I forgot, sometimes a rarity occurs every hour or so. It is called a goal. When that happens, every few hours or so, the announcers start screaming, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! and the fans for that particular country erupt in the greatest celebration since V-Day. For some reason, when the ball is knocked through the net, it ignites millions of people watching as if something SIGNIFICANT has happened to their future survival. Winning World War II...this.In the meantime, the goalie who let the ball get past him looks forward to a significant possibility: Being executed at dawn.You let your country down in the World Cup...you die. The nation has four years to find another goalie. Easy come, easy go. The only time soccer was interesting was when a great looking babe named Brandi Chastain took off her jersey after she made the winning kick to give the USA women the championship a few years back. Wow!. All the soccer fans in the country were going wild. I was focused on the two most important parts of the moment. For once, this sport made SENSE! Football, to me, is made up of touchdown passses, graceful athletes, smashes into the line, goal line stands, last second field goals, linebackers blitzing and destroying men much smaller than themselves. But, "futbol" to everyone else is comprised of running around for a couple of hours and making sure the ball stays in the middle of the field. There is about as much payoff as dating Phyllis Diller. Thanks to ESPN, the most self-serving network in television history, we are going to get heavy doses of this athletic sleepover for the next several weeks. This is the same channel that blessed us with, "Bonds on Bonds" and, "Arli$$." I am thankful for Sunday night Baseball and great highlights every night from the REAL sports in America, but I will not be going near my television set for awhile. I hope the USA goes out quickly so I can get back to watching something that transcends watching a cow munch on her cud. I cannot wait until September when the real boys of autumn make us forget that a word named, VOIT ever existed. For some reason, a score of 1-0 does not keep me awake at night. Or during the day for that matter. Unless of course, it comes with Brandi Chastain. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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