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 By Patrick Hurley June 7, 2006 As I write this from my easy chair on Mars, I feel the weight of the male gender on my shoulders. For centuries most of us men have been as perceptive in reading the mind of a woman as Wile E. Coyote has been in outsmarting the Roadrunner. But, after much listening and facial expression watching, I think I have decoded some of the feminine mystique. It is not a pretty picture. Women do not SAY what they really feel. For us men, who grew up getting clear messages from G.I. Joe and Power Ranger, this has been quite a shock to our simple-minded approach to ALL relationships. Unfortunately, Joe and Ranger boy did not even come close to preparing us for the lovely communication of Barbie and her friends! In the interest of turning that around, here is a primer on what to expect when you hear the following words from the woman you may be in love with but have gnashed your teeth when you failed to comprehend her... "I'm FINE!" Have you ever asked her, "You haven't said hardly anything all day...are you okay?" If she responds with this phrase and her eyes have that dull look in them like someone about to perform an exorcism, you are in TROUBLE! Try to trace your entire life back to when you noticed she had stopped talking to you. If that fails, ask her GENTLY..."If I said or did something that upset you, I am so sorry. I am listening if you want to tell me how insensitive I have been." Hopefully, if there is a God, she will soften enough to blast the crud out of you! But, you will get that, "fine" attitude out of her system. Score one for you. "If you don't KNOW what you did, I am not telling you!" This phrase became a mantra for most girls in junior high school. But, they somehow kept it in their interpersonal punishment arsenal for that right moment. Try to guess some of the idiotic things you did. MAYBE...you will get lucky and she will help you out here. If you are not married to this gal, you may want to reconsider dating someone who probably still writes in a purple and pink diary.... "WHATEVER!" When a woman cannot think of a clever comeback or she has lost the argument, she uses this word. This does NOT mean that the discussion has been resolved. It just means she is "Fine!" And, we know what THAT means... "Nothing" This is an OPPOSITE word. When you say, "What's wrong?" to her and get this response...it means, "EVERYTHING you clown!" Most men tend to hear, "nothing," and happily go about their business that day. Then, they wonder later why there are ice cycles on their sheets as in, "what are they going to get out of their wife that night romantically?" Nothing. "I understand why men look at other women!" Do not take this as any kind of permission. This is a WARNING! The first woman you look at, in her presence, for more than three seconds may be the last thing you remember as a living human entity on the earth. Especially, if it is her younger sister who happens to be wearing a bikini... "I'm almost ready!" When you hear this, you have time to go play eighteen holes of golf. In a foreign country. "Do you think I look FAT in this dress?" If you answer no, she will not believe you. If you answer yes, she will not go out with you. If you ignore her, she will consider that her mission in life to make you answer yes or no. This is a PERFECT time to run to the convenience store as you yell back, "We can talk about it when I return!" Take your time in returning as in timing IS everything! Honey, I DO love my Christmas present from you. Honest!" Quick, look at your watch, the jewelry store may STILL be open! Finally, when she says, "You are the most WONDERFUL man I have ever met. I am so lucky to have you!" She means it. That is why women make us crazy and impossible to resist. May the communication Force be with you, my brothers. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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