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July 7, 2006 Let me begin by stating that I will be using quotes here from various publications and one very funny book called "The Second Assistant" by, Claire Naylor and Mimi Hare. I would NOT want to be accused of plagiarism so I am telling you upfront that I plan on attributing ALL of my quotes appropriately. The Editor here told me that he wouldn't mind the UK site to be a little tabloidish so I am going to follow his advice and give him what he wants. Let me begin with this: "All you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people" -Eugene Pallette as Alexander Bullock in "My Man Godfrey" Assuming that I have met the prerequisites of the above quote I shall begin with the latest Tabloid news and then add my own comments. Let's start with "The National Examiner", hardly a high class rag in anyone's opinion. Headline: "HILLARY GAY CRISIS: Bill warns: BEHAVE-White House bid at risk" Ah ha......Hillary has been rumored to play for the other "team" for a long time now and who the hell is "Bill" for chastising ANYONE for their sexual conduct!!! "The National Enquirer" "STEDMAN BETRAYS OPRAH WITH TELL-ALL BOOK" If I cared (which I don't), I'd sure like to read that book as I can't stand Oprah. Anyone who believes in her own guru powers deserves a tell-all book. "The GLOBE" JONBENET: WHY MOM WAS NEVER CHARGED" Like they know the answer to this question? The case will never be solved and Patsy didn't make a deathbed confession so good luck to "The Globe". I smell a lawsuit from John Ramsey coming. "LIFE & STYLE" "BRAD TO ANGIE: STOP!!!" Stop what...being the sexiest woman alive? Dragging him around the world? Adopting kids every two minutes? Or maybe...just maybe, he has a few a pieces of his testicles left and he can see that he looks like a total wimp? "US WEEKLY" "WHERE'S SURI: BABY MYSTERY" Oh for God's sake, haven't those idiots figured out that there is NO Suri and that Tom made her up for publicity? His "Mission Impossible" movie tanked because of his couch jumping and everyone in town knows that Katie is being kept prisoner and is forced to drink Scientology Kool-Aid. "IN TOUCH" "BUMP WATCH: Britney (Matt's favorite tabloid girl), J.Lo and Jennifer Anniston" Who's preggers and who isn't? I really need to know the answer to this because I would prefer worrying about the fertility of rich, spoiled Hollywood "it" girls than whether or not North Korea or Iran is about to blow us to smithereens. I certainly hope they find out soon. And...last but NOT least: "STAR" "Johnny Depp's SECRET DOUBLE LIFE!" He supposedly lives in a "mysterious world". As if....don't all movie stars live in a "Mysterious world"??? Regarding all of the above tabloid stars I'd have to use another quote: "I'd hate to take a bite of you. You're a cookie full of arsenic" -Burt Lancaster as J.J. Hunsecker "The Sweet Smell of Success" So there you have it, the current tabloid headlines in all of their glory. I feel that this article is far more important than any current events taking place in our world and I know that Matt wanted something a little different from me so I could prove to him that I was more versatile so I hope that I have done him proud. Just to prove that my intentions were pure as the driven snow my final quote will be: "I'm hard to get. All you have to do is ask." -Lauren Bacall as Marie Browning "To Have and Have Not" That's a wrap......this is Meri Parsons-Hopper signing off ------------ About the author: Meri has a Medical/Legal background and is a former forensic researcher specializing in psychological profiling. https://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.asp?bookid=27335 Email: writers2@cox.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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