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July 3, 2006 I tried to like it, I really did. I did my best to get caught up in the euphoria of World Cup action; it's just that I have yet to see anything remotely resembling "action". I hear so much of this glorious game we Americans callously refer to as soccer. I've listened endlessly as those in the know have told me this is truly the world's sport, and we Americans simply do not appreciate the nuances of the game. So I decided to tune in to the ongoing world tournament, to try to comprehend exactly what it is I've been missing. Oh, I've had my forays into the soccer world in the past, even the World Cup. I have attempted to become a fan before, without any luck. Surely, I've matured, though, and in this new found maturity and sophistication I would come to love the game that fills stadiums around the globe. Not really. My most recent attempt at igniting some attraction to the sport was tuning in to the match between Italy and the United States. I thought this was the way to begin because I certainly had a rooting interest, being the all-American that I am. Well, it looked like the U.S. team was running around in sand about a foot or two deep, and the Italians did not look much better. Abundantly evident to me, though, was the fact that nothing was actually happening of the slightest interest. I found myself quickly not caring which team won or lost, I just wanted something--anything--to happen. I got the impression that some of the players did as well, as many of them seemed as frustrated as I was at the whole endeavor. Surely, the Italy/U.S. match was a fluke, an aberration in what truly is generally a compelling and exciting sport. My next assignment was to tune in to the contest between those evil French and the perennial powerhouse Brazil. Ah, this is the war that would get my blood boiling. How can you not hate the French? And aren't those Brazilians kind of like the New York Yankees of the soccer world? I also made a point of watching this affair on a brilliant 50 inch plasma television in full High Definition with 7.1 Surround Sound! It didn't make a difference. For the next couple of hours, it was basically a bunch of guys kicking a ball around a field that is way too big, and whining to the referee any time anyone came within one foot of them. Oh, there's a lot of running around, and no question the participants are in peak physical condition; however, what that does for anyone actually watching the sport remains a mystery. I've had more fun pulling weeds out of the cracks in my front sidewalk. France eventually won this game, to add insult to boredom, by a score of 1-0--and if I'm not mistaken, I think that's actually considered a high-scoring game in the soccer world. The overall problem with this game, from this lay person's perspective, is that it is just too impossible to score--period. Not only is it too impossible to score, it's almost as arduous even getting a shot on net (if that's what you call it). The gentleman who scored the only goal of the French/Brazilian match looked stunned himself when the ball went in the net. I think he thought he actually did something wrong. Even those who play this game are amazed the ball can go in sometimes. People deride the game of hockey for its dearth of scoring, but heck, there are endless scoring chances in hockey. And baseball, that old "American pastime," can sure be slow and plotting at times, as we watch some batter step out of the box after each pitch and grab himself in places that should really be left alone when you're standing in front of 50,000 spectators and a tv audience. Yet, in comparison soccer makes baseball look like a ride on the highest, fastest roller coaster you've ever seen. And what's with these yellow cards and red cards? I just don't get it. Someone kicks someone in the shin and the referee runs over from somewhere off-screen and starts digging in his wallet for a card, which he proceeds to wave at the offending player. Ten minutes later, it happens again and, sure enough, the ref is digging in that wallet. Why doesn't he just leave the darn card out somewhere where he can get to it easier, if he's going to pull it out every few minutes? What if the ref pulls the wrong card out of his wallet? Mark my words, one of these times some referee, who is bored out of his mind, is going to reach into his wallet, pull out something and start waving it around at a player, and someone is going to have their Blockbuster rental privileges suspended for thirty days. And don't get me started on this whole clock fiasco, where we add time to the end of the game to make up for the times during the game when there was no action. If that's the case, someone owes me an entire two games worth of extra time. How do the officials even tell whether or not the game is actually on? Of course, I'm being sarcastic (kind of), but I do wonder why it is so difficult to just stop the clock during timeouts? Then again, there's no cause to insert common sense into the mix, is there? Now, don't get me wrong. I think the game of soccer is just great for keeping adolescents off the streets and entertained for a couple of hours. Plus, it helps sell a lot of oversized vehicles to "soccer moms," so they can tote junior and juniorita back and forth to their matches. It does wonders for the auto industry. And, yes, as I said, there's no question that adults can certainly use all of the running around in the game to get themselves in top notch physical shape; we lazy Americans can certainly use the exercise. As for me, I'll stick with the old American brand of football, where scoring is actually the intent of the game and not generally an accident. ------------ About the author: Ed Abraham is a concerned citizen living in flyover country, U.S.A., who happens to be truly disgusted by the loss of common sense in our society and is doing all he can to try to reinstall it. Email: eabra@myway.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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