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Jan. 8, 2006 Here is a two part article in the spirit of this piece by Tracey. Each part has a bold-faced heading, here is the first part: Part1, Young Earth Creationist: You Were There For the infinity before the universe started, God was bored. He's always existed, you see. Bored, bored, just damn bored! So, he decided to get unbored by making the universe. Bang! Er, uhm, I mean, Ding! And behold, there it is. God made a big place. Well, it was more than big, is was extremely bloody gargantuan! Into this emptiness, he put a bunch of galaxies and he made them look like they were flying away from each other at high speed and it was good. He put them all over, actually, making most of them apparently useless – mere lights in the sky. Into a hum-drum corner of one, he made a cute little solar system with some comets loaded up with complex organic molecules, the building blocks of life, just because he's God, and he felt like it, and a planet called Earth. Cleverly, he made it look like Earth was REALLY old, but failed to mention it to his ultimate creation, but I skip ahead... He stuck some animals and plants on the place, and it was good. No disease yet – it says so in Genesis! None of these animals or plants ever got sick! For kicks, he buried some fossils of animals with obvious disease and made them seem really old. God doth love a good joke! Then he made man. Being God, he had unlimited options, but decided to give man many of the same problems that other animals had – the need to eat, poop, etc., and the added problem of a brain. He even went a step further and made man seem genetically related to all other animals. What a stinker, he is, that God! Then he made women, and to really throw those Hell-bound non-believers off, he decided to include two, yes, two! versions of the tale in his Good Book. Now, being a clever all-knowing kind of super-deity, God knew full-well that Eve would bite, but God liked video games, so he allowed it to happen so he could play Playstation games, due to arrive on the scene some 10,000 years hence with the knowledge that man now had. God is patient, you see. Oh yeah, it was around this time that God decided to make disease, joy-joy. For some odd reason, he decided to make animals and plants get sick too... Anyway, God got bored that his creation acted as predicted and wiped them all out. Although God never mentions it, Noah had one heck of a time squeezing dinosaurs into the Ark! God, seeing this, decided to let them all drown in the flood instead – this also helped scatter their bones all over, making it seem like they lived everywhere. Of course, they didn't, because no one in the Bible ever saw one. Not satisfied and ever the prankster, God made sure to scatter the bones along tectonic plates, so that groups of dinosaur fossils would be discovered in such a way as to imply that the continents move over great time spans. It sure seems like Africa used to to touch South America, and fossils deep enough and of the same age in either place match up. Good one, God! When things dried up, Noah became a world-traveler, taking great pains to return the polar bears to the north pole, and the penguins back the south pole, and American alligators to Florida. Later on, God had a hoot sacrificing himself to himself, but that really isn't related to creation. Part2, Non-young Earth Creationst/ID believer: You were there For the infinity before the universe started, God was bored. God was the first-cause, you see. Bored, bored, just damn bored! So, he decided to get unbored by making the universe. Bang! Er, uhm, I mean, Ding! And behold, there it is. All things complex were in the process of being made under his guidance. His own complexity doesn't matter, because, well, he's God and he's always existed, so we needn't worry about such details. God made a big place. Well, it was more than big, is was extremely bloody gargantuan! Into this emptiness, he put a bunch of galaxies and he made them fly away from each other at high speed and it was good. He put them all over, actually, making most of them apparently useless – mere lights in the sky. Into a hum-drum corner of one, he made a cute little solar system with some comets loaded up with complex organic molecules, the building blocks of life, just because under the laws he designed, they are pretty easy to make and he was proud of that fact. He also stuck in a planet called Earth. On this new planet, he let things cool down until he could bring the first simple cells into existence – ding! and there they were. God spent the next few billion years watching the little boogers. For some reason, he saw fit to slowly change them, guiding them, making sure that they changed just right. He killed the ones he didn't like. Sometimes, he allowed entire branches of life to get very far, but got bored and snuffed them out. Quite often, when the whole mess was bloody awful, he exterminated most of what he had; he wipes his slate, killing most life on the planet. He really had some fun with the dinosaurs, but decided they didn't quite look like him enough, so he snuffed them out and went back to a track he started previously, the mammals, and gave his special attentions to them. He carefully guided them until they evolved into humans. The other near-human humans weren't worthy, so he snuffed them out as well, even though they invented fire and made tools, and likely cried when loved ones died and would have been really happy knowing they had a creator... Anyway, he killed animals left and right (99% of all species), tinkered and plotted until modern man came on the scene. He offered Eve the apple and STOPPED! He stopped all together and pulled his guiding hands out of the whole mess – it was all up to Eve! She blew it – oh well. The all knowing master of the universe couldn't see that one coming! Doh! Some time later, God decided that he needed to stick his hands back into his mess and poured a God-sized cup of water on the place. Noah had a heck of a time getting all of the animals on the boat, but God helped. Since many animals couldn't live in certain conditions, fresh water fish weren't happy that salt-water oceans covered the whole planet for example, God saw fit to destroy and then quickly create many species right before and after the flood was over. Yup, the problematic animals that wouldn't make sense on the Ark were created right after the flood. God evolved them REALLY super fast, and made them spread back around the planet REALLY super fast too. The Florida alligators that can't live in salt water, for example – God evolved them REALLY fast, maybe from salt water crocs, right after the place was dry, and flung them over to North America. For a while there, God was a busy beaver, but then, God vanishes and returns control to nature again for a few thousand years. He came back every now and again, once to sacrifice himself to himself to fix his own mistake yet again. Once he came back to guide the evolution of the plague. Another return trip had him guiding the evolution of a few flu pandemics. Another trip, and he helped AIDS evolve. Some of his more recent trips had him tinker with SARS and the flu. He loves guiding the evolution of the flu, he screws around with that one all the time. A jokester, ya know, that God guy is. It's damn handy we have him around to guide evolution! --- Just two generaly humorous outlines of what some people believe to have taken place during the history of the planet. I'm just a Hell-bound heathen that fell for all of God's tricks. Or, I look at history while under the influence of several competing drugs working their way into my synapses and slowing down my thought-signals (or I try to merge one part science with 5 parts semi-literal Bible). [Yes, some ID/Creationists really think that God quickly changed animals after the flood in order to have that story fit the geologic and biological and other evidence we have.] ------------ About the author Frederick Smith: I enjoy writing about the positive virtues of humanism - humanists are the good guys. I now have a blog that I will start to increasingly maintain and update. Here is the link: fredsuberview.blogspot.com/ This is my second foray into the UK writing discordia. This time around, I want to be a tad more raw - maybe a bit edgier (does that sound "art-see"?) Maybe I'll address even more issues that most Americans consider taboo... About my personal background and life: I was born, I got some education, worked, ate, and had some kids. It seems I like to write � something that was unknown to me until relatively recently...How's that for detail? ;) Hate mail is welcome unless you are from the Army Of God. Please! It's not that I mind seeing pictures of aborted fetuses in my inbox, but once you've seen one you've pretty much seen them all... Email: dahlek65@yahoo.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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