Murphy's Laws Of Performing: Continued

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Murphy's Laws Of Performing: Continued

By Jack Lepiarz
Feb. 24, 2006

Here are just a few more things that I have seen go wrong while rehearsing or performing:

1. Bullwhips really hurt.

2. You will somehow find yourself talked into about five different shows -- all at different locations.

3. When doing a show at an all-girl school, you will quickly learn that the Catholic school girl stereotype is not true.

4. You will be beaten up with a number of tambourines in a comical fashion. You will not find it funny.

5. There will always be somebody in the audience that finds the bullwhip to be "kinky," and mistake your joke about calling you later as a serious proposition.

6. When dipping a girl for a kiss, you will drop her. The same goes while lifting her up onto a piano.

7. While jumping up from a crouching position, you will hit your head on a piano and fall behind it.

8. You will do a show for an all-girl school, and promptly be followed to your car. 'Nuff said.

9. While doing a bubble routine for a show, the wind will change, and the bubble fluid will spill back into your eyes and mouth.

10. Never tempt fate with a golf club. Or knives. Or a whip.

11. The set will fall apart as you walk through it.

12. A person that you need to murder in about two seconds will develop a bloody nose as you spill fizzing alka seltzer all over him.

13. The young woman playing the part of the woman trying to seduce you will be your science teacher's daughter.

14. The young woman playing the romantic lead opposite you will be about a foot shorter than you, making certain signs of affection difficult.

15. She will read this article.

16. While spinning a plate, you will drop the plate and it will a small child in the face. While checking to see if they are okay, you will accidentally poke them in the face with the pointy end of the spinning rod that you use to spin the plate.

17. A drunk teenager will throw a cellphone at you while you are onstage.

18. You will wear a Clifford (the big red dog) costume.

19. Working with a talking Maytag is not easy.

20. Pretending to be infatuated with a Maytag is harder.

21. Pretending to be infatuated with a homosexual Maytag is harder yet.

22. Your knife throwing board will fall over in the middle of a rehearsal.

23. Making somebody laugh onstage by writing "Dear sexy Vicar," or "No fat chicks" on a letter is not cool.

24. A floor covered in bubbles should not be traversed by someone wearing stilts.

And lastly...

25. Make sure you catch swords by the right side, and make sure you watch out for the curiously sharpened hilt.

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About the author: Jack Lepiarz is a senior at Madison High School. Born in Waco, Texas, he lived with the Big Apple Circus for much of his early childhood, eventually moving to Madison, New Jersey, where he now resides. Although he is often described as stubborn and egotistical, he tries to keep an open-mind towards new ideas and treat people the way he would like to be treated.

Email: Jackwuzhere42@aol.com

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