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Feb. 16, 2006 Beth Reynolds Holloway-Twitty, the media-maven-loving mother of the still-missing-from-Aruba Natalee Holloway, recently accoutred with boots, spurs and new nightclothes http://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/uk_news/article104.html, has (in a move that could have America’s condom factories facing a bleak future) seemingly reinvented herself as a champion of high-school chastity. Newly deputized and rebranded as the spokesperson for ‘Save Yourself.Org’, a nascent not-for-profit which is due to be launched in late February, Beth will address what is hoped will be a rapt, receptive and no-doubt enthralled Alabama crowd as she spins her latest message, “Save Yourself”. The genteel utility poles of fabled Mountain Brook, which once groaned under a burden of yellow ribbons (and missives calling down divine retribution upon all things Aruban), are now graced with pink placards, lovingly placed by the Mountain Brook High School PTA, asking all and sundry to attend a presentation by Beth Holloway Twitty: Mountain Brook High School PTA Sponsors “Save Yourself” A Presentation by Beth Holloway Twitty Natalee’s Mom To Make A Special Presentation To Mountain Brook High School Students As a result of her daughter’s disappearance in Aruba last summer, Beth Holloway Twitty has a very important message about personal and travel safety that she would like to share with students and parents. This is her nationwide safety campaign, Save Yourself” and she is officially kicking it off at Mountain Brook High School on Tuesday evening, February 28th, at 7:00 p.m. in the Fine Arts Center. Please consider attending this very important presentation. For more information contact the school. As has been reiterated endlessly, the precautions taken by the parents and attendees of last year’s graduating class’s trip to far-off Aruba, which seemed fitting and more than adequate in the euphoria of the pre-trip planning (chaperones who weren’t actually expected to chaperone, a buddy system that went bust), failed completely when faced with on-Aruba reality: corruption, ineptitude, good-looking and blue-eyed locals, and drink-til-you-drop, free-booze bracelets. Mrs. Twitty has bugled “boycott” at sun-drenched Aruba and the attendees of the meet wouldn’t dream of breaking ranks with Beth and Governor Bobby Riley (who looks like a shoo-in for another term, by the way); the implanting of GPS chips infringes upon the limbs and liberties of the M B students (and in-the-body insertions would leave unsightly blemishes upon pimpled, adolescent skin); so the focus will, by the process of elimination, have to be upon lifestyle choices. It is difficult indeed for high-school attendees to sin in puritanical (and often purblind) Alabama. Alcohol is denied to those who are under 21 years of age in this Bible-belt state and the recreational use of mind-altering drugs is also proscribed—which leaves only premarital sex, long the bane of the right-wing, Christian Right preachers (it’s much too good for the common good of the common parishioners!). Alabama hasn’t had much luck in legislating premarital sex out of existence (most acts of congress in Alabama are deemed unnatural; with twitches, sighs and spasms, unless in the supine, missionary position, specifically prohibited and punishable by pillorying); however, there is hope that Beth, backed with another flood of donated cash, can make “Chastity” the new buzz word in the hallowed halls of high-school academia. HMI has had great success in moving mountains of Natalee memorabilia and their new, branded “Save Yourself” line of merchandise (‘Don’t Touch’ T-shirts, training bras, undergarments, and slim-line, lockable chastity thongs) received rave reviews at last week’s roll-out, which was presented to a select group of savvy swap-meet test shoppers in Biloxi. The ClogDancingCleghornsForChrist will be on hand at the Fine Arts Center, providing a bit of uplifting, light-hearted entertainment during the donation breaks. The presentation will open with the Lord’s Prayer (all are welcome to join in) and the singing of that old, Canadian, gospel standard, “Jesus Saves”: Jesus saves His money In the Bank of Montreal, Jesus saves His money In the Bank of Montreal, Jesus saves His money In the Bank of Montreal, Jesus saves, Jesus saves, Jesus saves. Now, if only “Save Yourself” could get AmSouth Bank inserted into those lyrics somehow, they could have their first deep-pocketed corporate donor banging at the door. ------------ About the author: Dayo Gould is a frequent visitor to Aruba, and is a volunteer ESL teacher in a Christian school. Email: ed_asp@hotmail.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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