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 By Jack Lepiarz Jan. 1, 2007 Wow. It's 2007 already. I'm writing this at two in the morning since I can't sleep and am being hounded with nonstop "Happy New Year" phone calls, but, alas, that's life. Another lesson I learned this year (one that I did not include in my last article) is that it's very difficult to get to sleep at the time at which you intend to retire. This is especially true in college dormitories and on holidays. Alas, that's life. Anyway, the purpose of this article is to lay down a few of my predictions for the big 07, so I'll jump right into it, starting with the realm of politics. First off, a lot of people are making all sorts of predictions about how the newly empowered Democrats are going to mix things up in Washington. My personal belief is that the newly "empowered" Democrats (who have a very, very, very shaky lead in the Senate which may soon be overturned) will in fact do little to change our society. This sentiment does not come out of a distrust for Democrats--seeing as they are the party that I identify with the most--it's simply a distrust in politicians and their ability to actually make progress. I don't think you can say it much better than Jon Stewart when he said that the opposite of progress is Congress. Alas, that's life. Iraq will remain as it is, Iran will remain as it is, however Monaco will shock the world by joining the nuclear table and holding Luxembourg hostage for 797 days. The news coverage of this crisis will be broken only for commercials featuring John Mellencamp and breaking news stories about the latest way to lose weight (I suggest the Drano diet!). In my public (I refuse to use professional) life, I believe that I will finally reach 200 articles in March of this year--since this article brings me up to 174 I believe, I've still got a decent ways to go. As far as performance goes, my street act will continue to improve until I finally whip myself in the eye and subsequently never touch my whips again. Alas, that's... No wait, that's a joke. More seriously, though, I do predict more success as a street performer, and as a stage performer, something that will hopefully postpone my getting a real job for some time. In terms of celebrity gossip, I do believe that Kevin Federline will finally find "something to smoke," as his song "Privilege" suggests. Following that, I believe that Mr. Federline will pour himself a glass of Privilege to whet his "Tha-roat." January will do the same thing it does every year--come in fresh as a newborn baby and leave with a dirty diaper that smears the rest of the month. February will suck even more than usual. March will be as it always is (ignored). April will be pleasant, and the period between May and September will pass excruciatingly slowly. The months that immediately follow are not even worth mentioning. Useless Knowledge will be sued by the United Kingdom for copyright infringement on their acronym "UK." Heated debates will follow until the Useless Knowledge trash-talkers succeed in forcing the original UK to back down. And finally, I predict an even happier year for me--both publicly and privately in 2007. I know that 2006 will be a hard year to top--seeing as so many great things came out of this past year. In the end, however, I think that 2007 will be even better. Alas, that's life. ------------ About the author: Jack Lepiarz is an 18-year-old college student at Emerson College in Boston. He also co-hosts the Katherine and Jack Show on UthTV.com and has been performing various circus talents for the past several years. Though often described as stubborn and egotistical, he tries to keep an open mind and treat others the way he would like to be treated. Email: Jackwuzhere42@aol.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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