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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 31, 2006 In a stunning move on several levels, two of the most obnoxious individuals in cultural history have decided to tie the knot after two weeks of insulting verbal foreplay. Rosie O'Donnell, America's First Lesbian, renounced her sexuality as she gushed eloquently over the man who will challenge her sexual orientation, "I am still a lesbian," Rosie announced as she sat by his side at the press conference of love, "But, I am willing to let Donald be my sexy pimp from time to time. Of course, there is a huge advantage for me to marry a guy who runs the Miss USA Pageant, right? Wink, wink!" Trump readily agreed, "I know that I have been less respectful in my comments about my sweet Rosie in the past but when I called her a, 'fat pig,' it was actually a compliment since I prefer my woman to have a butt larger than any of my real estate buildings." Rosie snapped back, "Which is fine with me because I have always been turned on by a man who combs his armpits over the top of his head to hide his bald spot!" Donald laughed as he retorted, "I just hope I can afford your grocery bills, Moby!" Rosie laughed easily and shot back, "Well, you have been saving food money on all those 13 year-old bulemic models you have been seducing..." The Donald was not fazed, "I guess it's time for me to use my charms on a real woman. Where did I put that harpoon?" As the reporters laughed nervously, O'Donnell countered, "I hope you find it because it is the only thing you have that is hard enough to penetrate..." With that statement, Trump stood up and testily interrupted, "Now, honey; maybe we should curtail this discussion until we get home. We have a lot of arrangements to make and this may not be the time to have all this fun in a public forum..." Rosie also stood up, "You're right, darling. I should not have teased you about your size limitations when it is obvious to everyone in America that the reason you built all those skyscrapers was to compensate for your..." "Uh, okay; I think this press conference is over." Trump waved to the press, "Let me just say that my future wife and I will look forward to a great wedding and a wonderful honeymoon where Rosie will not have to wear a bikini, thank God..." "Actually, I plan on wearing a bikini, Donald. I am looking forward to slabs of my flesh rolling out in waves as we walk romantically on the beach so people can say, 'Boy, Donald Trump must have lost his mind because he is finally dating a real woman who can speak correct grammar, isn't a blonde bimbo and has the kind of body that can kick his butt whenever he thinks he is too big for his britches, which is hourly.' I am proud as a feminist to accept my large frame, SWEETIE!" "The last time I saw a large frame like that they were combing the bottom of the North Atlantic to find it." "Well, dear; I am still a major improvement over the two women who never met a bottle of peroxide they didn't like..." "I don't appreciate you making fun of my previous wives, Rosie..." "Wives? Is that what you called them? One needed to be hooked on phonics and the other one had no clue what a phonic was!" "Oh, I love my Rosie! She is such a kidder. It has been a long time since I have seen someone make intimate jokes about me..." "Yeah, Donald. I believe the last someone was the doctor who delivered you." "Say goodbye for now, Rosie. We have a commitment we have to go to..." "Oh, the press is not invited to the penile enlargement center?" "ROSIE!" As Trump's security team raced in and duct taped Ms. O'Donnell's mouth escorting her away, Trump smiled and waved to the media as he handed out gold embossed wedding invitations to the wedding scheduled tentatively for June 14, 2007 at the Trump Plaza and Hotel in Atlantic City. Squeals and grunts off stage could be heard from his feisty fiance as he graciously welcomed his friends who attended the announcement ceremony. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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