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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 28, 2006 Over the years I have come to realize that my New Year’s resolutions are silly, a waste of time and, uh, consistently unresolved. My heart was in the right place when I made them. Unfortunately, my brain was not thinking and my willpower was not cooperating to fulfill them. At the time, I believed the vows I swore to uphold were going to make me a better person. On December 31, 1958, I vowed to kiss Barbara Parkins. This promise was obliterated on our first day back in class after the Christmas break when I realized her little sister was a lot cuter! In 1963, I vowed to become more popular at my school by no longer being a daily smart aleck. At the end of that school year I found a more reasonable solution: I transferred to a larger high school. In 1988, I vowed to marry a woman who would love me unconditionally and desire me more than life itself. This vow was a tad unrealistice since I was already married. Last New Year’s Eve, I vowed to have a date for this New Year’s Eve. My string of stupid vows never coming true continues... The two most popular New Year’s vows are becoming financially responsible and losing weight. Rarely do these two promises come to fruition because people who make these pledges love to spend and eat. Since that is the case, why do they think they are going to stop doing what they have heartily enjoyed for years? Hold on a second, I need to grab a Hostess cupcake. (I picked up a discounted pack of them at Bakery Buys on my way home from buying a jukebox) Okay, back. Mmm..that tastes good. I need some milk now, too. I wonder if I still have vanilla ice cream. Vows do not work. I will now reveal the secret of why this maxim is true. (Gosh, these cupcakes taste great!) Human nature hates to be told what to do. Once we announce something to ourselves or someone else, the rebel inside of us immediately wants to do the opposite. For example, as you are reading this I command you to not think of a pink elephant. Do not do it! Furthermore, do not imagine a pink elephant on a pink bubble going up to the sky. DO NOT! See my point? The minute we tell our minds to do something they will automatically find ways to settle on the alternative. So, when we make vows they are already destined to fail. I could say, “I am going to join a health club in January and get in shape!” Nice try. I may even join a health club in January, (I have made this my vow in six different years) but, joining one and actually going to one on a regular basis is the difference between lying in bed in the morning and getting OUT of bed in the morning. We love our intellectual and emotional vows. We hate the behavioral ones. Therefore, vows are out. Do not make them. Eat, drink, spend and be merry. You may die sooner, but you will never cheat yourself. While everyone else is in the parking lot of the health club paralyzed in their car at the thought of suffering from one exercise machine to the next, you will be plowing through a chocolate fudge brownie topped with a huge mound of ice cream at the Chili’s next door. In the spirit of the New Year, I will make a few significant suggestions to myself. These are not binding so I have a reasonable chance of seeing some success here. I am going to lose one pound at some time during 2007, I am going to save at least 10 pennies that I find on the street, I hope to refrain from flipping off stupid drivers as much as humanly possible especially if they are a car full of gang members, I am going to stop eating this fifth Hostess cupcake right now and finally, I am going to bring peace to the world in 2007. (It is always good to have a noble vow at some point) Will I have a date for next New Year’s Eve? I don’t care. I have just improved my chances by not vowing to accomplish that. I hope this has helped you as you prepare to make your New Year’s Resolutions. If you still think I am wrong in the way I am approaching this just do one thing for me... Do NOT think of a pink elephant on a pink bubble going up into the sky. I rest my case. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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