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Dec. 28, 2006 December 28, Reuters—A chimpanzee escaped from a traveling circus troupe in eastern Virgnia attacked a doctor in the Tidewater area yesterday. Fortunately, the doctor, being a highly intelligent physician, with an IQ in the 156 to 171 range, had foreseen the possibility of such an attack, and was carrying a 22 caliber pistol, for which he had acquired a permit. Firing at the simian assailant, the doctor merely grazed him in the right shoulder. The chimpanzee was rushed to the emergency room of a veterinary hospital in the neighborhood. The physician’s name is withheld at his request. Later, at a hearing, it turned out that the doctor had performed minor surgery on the chimpanzee several weeks earlier, at the request of the circus owner, a personal friend of his. But according to the circus owner, the doctor had botched the operation seriously. The chimpanzee had been sullen and moody ever since. Apparently, the chimpanzee was bent on getting revenge, the circus owner speculated. The judge, upon inquiring into the doctor’s credentials, was amazed to find that the doctor had studied only four hours for the full four years of medical school. The text that he had relied upon for such an astonishing feat was “Medicine for Dummies”. He had also referred to “Teach Yourself Neurosurgery in 5 Minutes a Day” and “Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Medicine but Were Afraid to Ask.” He had gotten his M.D. degree from Turkmenistan School of Mines, in Ashkhabad, Turkmenistan. In discussing his practise, the doctor repeatedly referred to many of his patients as “ducks”. When the judge asked for an explanation, the doctor said that during the first consultation, they usually cry, “Quack! Quack!,” and fly out of the office. The doctor announced at the hearing that he was also a columnist for a prestigious website, by the name of Useless-Knowledge.com. At a benchside computer, the judge visited the website briefly and saw the doctor’s name proudly displayed among several other names. The doctor said that the others were his journalistic colleagues. As the judge reviewed the list of names, he clicked on a few names at random. It just happened that among the names were Dennis Siluk and Ken Hughes. The judge, reading the articles, looked up quizzically, but the doctor merely shrugged his shoulders and struck the heel of his hand to his forehead, as if to say, “I dunno, Your Honor. They ain’t all as good as me.” Then the judge went to the Rebuttal Section, and saw the restroom-like graffiti of Tom Pain. Turning a sickly green, he fined the doctor $1000. The circus owner and the chimpanzee, sitting in the courtroom, smiled radiantly. I would not have published this article but for the fact that when I told the doctor that I was Iranian, he answered, “I hate you Arabs.” Hormos Abelhassanpour in Washington, D.C. (Ultra-realistic Satire) ------------ About the author Thomas Keyes: I have written two books: A SOJOURN IN ASIA (non-fiction) and A TALE OF UNG (fiction), neither published so far. I have studied languages for years and traveled extensively on five continents. Email: udikeyes@yahoo.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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