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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 28, 2006 Announcing his candidacy to seek the Presidency in 2008, ambulance chaser John Edwards is committed to turn America around by spending it to death. "We need universal health care for every citizen, a plan to eliminate poverty and money for every social problem that exists in this country. And, I am just the guy who can spend it!" shouted Edwards as he brushed his hair back gently in a Robert F. Kennedyesque hand motion. "We also need a better looking President. We deserve that as a country. Ever since John F. Kennedy succeeded that Elmer Fudd lookalike, we have been spoiled when it comes to our Chief Executive. I want to bring that attractiveness back to the Oval Office. Americans deserve a hot looking guy like me. I have been on MySpace for several years now and I have over 1,500 friends, most of them babes, so I know I can win the MTV vote, something my former running mate John Kerry could never do. Gosh he was ugly. He had those drooping eyes that screamed out, "Lift me, lift me!" With me, every American will wake up in the morning and smile when they see the stud that occupies the White House." When asked by reporters if there was a possibility he was too oily or slick to be President, Edwards shot back, "Not at all. I think the American people expect their leaders to lie to them. They know the drill. That's why I am kicking off my campaign in New Orleans, as if I care about this godforsaken city of white and black trash. The truth is, it is a social disgrace to live here. I mean get real, the place is known for Mardi Gras which includes, drunken orgies, nude chicks on balconies flashing their ta tas, voodoo freaks and satanic rituals. This isn't an American city, it is a toxic sex dump. Plus, it was built in a bowl daring nature to destroy it yearly which proves that is not only the most immoral metropolis in American history but the dumbest, too. But, I'm for the underdog so I will lie my butt off and pretend like I care about the people here who run around like bag ladies looking for a snickers bar. I want to champion human rights as President so I have to put up with all this crap for a year or so. If I grit my teeth enough I can pretend to care about all the people and their stupid, self-destructive lifestyles. That is what is expected of me as a Democrat and a liberal for God's sake!" At that point, Edwards jumped up on a stage and flashed his famous smile. He slowly circled around and waved to the hundreds of cheering people he had hired to be there. As cameras clicked and video rolled, he was seen grinning and repeating, "Thank you. God Bless you. I am handsome, yes. I am phony as hell, but you're as dumb as a tree stump. Thank you, God Bless you. I am handsome, yes..." Finally, the senator from North Carolina stepped down and faced the reporters one last time, "I appreciate all of you coming out here. It is going to be a long campaign, a tough campaign, but I know in the end, with the help of the two Americas, I will prevail. This country deserves a President who lacks character, disguising his morally bankrupt soul with a pretty face who will tax them into oblivion and will make their life hell for four years....I will not bring the troops home from Iraq, I will not decrease the federal budget, I will not turn my back on all the insurance and health care lobbies and I will not confront big oil, hell, I have a limo, what do I care about the gas prices? I will not do any of those things once elected, but I will keep on smiling and waving and brushing my hair back and those dumb jackasses out there from my party's symbol on down, will see fit to elect me as their President in two years. I will give America what it deserves...another politician who will look good and lie his tail off to get what I want. At least when they realize they have been scammed once again, they will smile and say, "Yeah, but he is sure easy on the eyes! Sexy boy!" With that, Edwards signed several autographs for teenage girls and their moms. His next public appearance will be as a guest host on, "American Idol." God help us all. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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