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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 28, 2006 In a last ditch attempt to avoid the gallows, the former President of Iraq has announced he will be running for President as a Democrat in 2008. Hussein made clear his rationale in his opening statement, "If a guy named Obama is allowed to run for President in the U.S. of A. then I should merit consideration, too! Or is the satan Bush afraid to oppose me?" When informed that George Bush is not eligible to run for a third term, Saddam huffed, "He is dodging me. He knows he cannot beat me fair and square. It is only when I am in the spider hole with bombs coming down all around me that he has the advantage. I will make a better President than he did. I will begin my campaign by asking Howard the Dean to be my runners mate.He is the only one who understands that the evil empire of Americans have no business in Iraq. He will shout it from the rooftops, I am told!" No one is taking Saddam seriously for two reasons. First, he is not eligible to run for the Presidency in this country because he was not born on American soil. Secondly, he will be dead by 2008. But, that has not stopped him from proclaiming his potential and the party he loves... "The Democrats are my kind of party! They fight amongst themselves, they babble incessantly, their policies make no sense, they love to spend lots and lots of money on idiots, they are colorful and they believe the United Nations has a value. I agree with all those positions. If I live in America, I be a Democrat. They are the perfect party of smart foreign policy. They pretend they are going to police the world when in reality they just do it to cover up one of their sex scandals. They like to talk tough like Jimmy Carter but they are just kidding around. He needed that hostage crisis to keep his country out of the Moscow Olympics because he knew they would get their butts kicked! John Kennedy was another smart Democrat. He pretended to make big Cuban missile crisis to portray him as strong leader when he was going to take down his own missiles in Turkey all along anyway. It always looks better when there is lot of drama. The Democrats love drama! Have you seen their nominating conventions? It is like everyone is on acid at the Mardi Gras. No one knows what in the hell is going on until they start singing, "Happy Days are Here Again," which only made sense in 1936! They are the kings and queens of the Big Show! They love their gays, lesbians, blacks, browns, yellows, reds, feminists, abortionists, agnostics, bra burners, flag burners, radicals, greenpeacers, Goresters, Hillaryites and mad, mad, mad McGovern! They are a bunch of looney tunes who would pardon me if I lived over there. The current frontrunners in the Democratic party for President had no comment on Hussein's desire to serve America. John McCain, the leading Republican candidate had something to say, however; "If that rag head ever gets out of prison and comes within one hundred miles of our shoreline I will do everything in my power to commission a nuclear sub to ram him right up his....!" CNN ran the actual word, but Fox News bleeped it out. Former President Bill Clinton released a statement, "Actually, I think Saddam Hussein would make a better President than the one who is currently in office. He is more decisive, more upfront and more intelligent than George Bush. Man, he used to get all the hot babes in that really cool palace of his..." His wife, Hillary who was at his side when her husband uttered those words responded excitedly, "Really?" For now, the Iraq Court of Appeals has upheld the guilty verdict judging Saddam Hussein as a war criminal preventing him from moving forward with his bid to be the top Democrat. A contingent of supporters including Barbra Streisand, Alec Baldwin, Cindy Sheehan, the Dixie Chicks and several Exorcists are traveling to Baghdad to fight for his freedom. There is no official confirmation that Osama Bin Laden is co-hosting a fund-raiser with Nancy Pelosi upon their arrival. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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