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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 27, 2006 Former President of the United States, Gerald Ford, died on Tuesday to the amazement of most Americans who thought he was already dead. Sammy Lancaster of Aniston, Alabama, summed up the nation’s general feeling when he said, “Hell, didn’t he die right after he became President? I could swear he did. Chevy Chase replaced him, right?” Ford, who could never be confused with Mr. Excitement, was a quiet figure. Perhaps too quiet. “He made Eisenhower look dynamic!” chirped Ellie Mae Wolfenspeeder of Boston. “Gosh he was boring. Everytime he opened his mouth not much of anything came out. He got beat by Jimmy Carter. I believe there were only two incumbent Presidents in our history that could have lost to that moron from Georgia, Ford and Millard Fillmore, after he was dead!” A shaken Betty Ford issued the devastating news that her husband was no longer breathing. She confirmed the not so obvious, “Yes, my husband is dead. For the first and last time.” Tributes immediately began pouring from international leaders since they had already been sent thirty years ago and retracted upon the realization Ford was still alive at the time. “A great man,” sighed Charles DeGaulle of France, who is now dead, too. “We shall miss him. He healed all of us from Watergate,” wrote a stunned Richard Nixon. A tearful Saturday Night Live fan sent a telegram, “Was that his stuffed dog Liberty that Chevy Chase always knocked over or was that a mannequin?” It was reported that dozens of people in the Detroit area wept when they heard the news of Ford’s passing. Many of whom respected him because they thought he invented the first automobile. It was Gerald Ford’s famous pardon of Richard Nixon that defined his Presidency as wimpy and vapid, “Our long national nightmare is over...,” he pronounced as millions watching on television mumbled to themselves, “...and a new one has just begun.” He also served on the Warren Commission as a perfect example of the confusion and misappropriation of evidence that will render that body of work forever useless. A real estate mogul named Jim something or other from Palm Springs said it best, “He was a personal friend of mine although I never actually saw him. But, I would walk by his house, look up and nod and I think he would smile back through his picture window. Once, I believe it was him who hit me on the back of my head with one of his drives off the tee. He was such a kidder!” Squeaky Fromme, a former Manson girl who tried to shoot him in the Capitol Park area of Sacramento in 1976 was distraught, “He was a really nice man. That’s why my gun locked up. It made no sense to take such an innocuous life.” The people of Poland, who were mystified during the Presidential debates of 1976 when Ford claimed they were not under Soviet oppression, put their flag at half mast in honor of one of the stupidest political comments in human history. Funeral services are pending as soon as Betty Ford is released from her own hospital. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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