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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 26, 2006 Okay, another Christmas has come and went. Can we talk? I now understand why people kill themselves during the holiday season. These are not happy times. These are desperate ones. Let me count the reasons... Family get togethers are satanic. The main question often posed is, “If you were not related to your family members, how many of them would you be friends with in life?” The answer is, quite honestly, zero to one. We are stuck with many of the people that the aliens missed. Unfortunately, we still have to engage them several times a year. These Star Wars Bar Scene moments are called, “holidays.” It is at these events that we are subjected to kinfolk who not only are missing their teeth but reason, graciousness and a lobotomy. There is Uncle Know it all, Cousin Psycho, Sister in-law smart mouth and, “that friend” that some family member brings that reminds all of us what major medication does to a mind that has become terribly wasted... Tension abounds everywhere. If you have a spouse or a significant other, have you ever noticed the changes that occur in them as the holiday approaches its launch date? These people are suddenly transformed from tolerant, reasonable human beings into nervous, twitching, spasmodic puddles of out of control angst. The turkey does not have to be well-cooked, it has to be perfectly tender. The marshmallows on the sweet potato pie have to arranged in rows that would pass muster at a Buckingham Palace coronation. The silver needs to sparkle, the china has to gleam and the place settings better be in order or someone will die. Probably you. Holidays should be appropriately named instead of the clever marketing that makes each of them appear noble, patriotic or religiously meaningful. Thanksgiving should be titled, “The Satiated Celebration that results in Passing out for Hours!” Christmas is actually, “Misappropriate Gift Day with a Fake Smile.” New Year’s should be called, “The Inebriated Denial of Yet Another Annual Reminder we are closer to Death” Day! Valentine’s Day should be remembered as, “The Female Manipulation of the Male Guilt Hormone” Day. We cannot forget Halloween as, “The Masked Worship of the Netherworld jump starting Diabetes as a New Way of Life.” Finally, we have the Fourth of July also affectionately known as, “Mosquito Humidity Day in Red, White and Blue with Inordinate Amounts of Potato Salad!” Travel Terror. Whether you go see your loved ones by planes, trains or automobiles, remember this is a horrid experience which is unfair beyond human boundaries. You go to an airport during Thanksgiving or Christmas and you are destined to utter more curse words in two hours than in the rest of your lifetime. The lines are legendary only surpassed in texture by the Bataan Death March. The stupidity of people attempting to navigate the intricacies of the x-ray machines is remarkable. The screaming screener says, “Put your coat/spare change/shoes/laptops/oversized belt buckles/Magnum .44/stilettos/bazookas/first born male children in the tray and do not say the word, “bomb.” How simple can this be? Common sense says, “anything metallic” needs to be filtered through the machine. So, why does it take longer to pass through security than to drive the six hours to grandma’s house? Exhaustion. I have asked hundreds of family members and friends how they felt after being on vacation during the happy holiday season. The look they give back to me would melt a manhole cover. Scary words like, “exhausted,” “bloated,” “sunburn,” “fruitcake,” “bumper to bumper,” “gas prices,” “hangover,” “weight gain” and, “mass murder fantasies,” cross their lips. This was not a happy holiday; this was God’s little joke that getting away from it all was not really a vacation, but a test of nerves. Herbert Spencer talked about, “the survival of the fittest.” He meant natural selection but he may as well have been referring to co-existing with relatives on days that will live in familial infamy. For there is nothing happy about any holiday that cruelly adds unwanted weight, blotchy skin, saturated organs, tension headaches, blurred vision and most of all, guilt. Yes, it is that last quality that haunts us all the way home because we said or did something to someone we loved even though they struck first. We want to keep our mouth shut. We pray we will be able to keep our mouth shut. Our spouse begs us to keep our mouth shut but we just...can’t. It is a seasonal impossibility. It is part of what we have learned to believe as... Happy Holidays. Bah, humbug! ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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