The Third Annual Claxton Awards

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The Third Annual Claxton Awards

By Claxton Graham
Dec. 14, 2006

As I was going through my first draft of the third annual Claxton Awards, one thing became very obvious to me: This was going to be one very long column. So in typical Claxton fashion, I began doing a hatchet job on my own writing.

Instead of going into long, drawn-out explanations as to who is being honored with what, I’ve decided to keep my remarks this year brief. Honestly, I didn’t realize how much I had bitten off until I looked and saw I had written seven single-spaced pages of material. If anyone really wants to see it, I’ll be glad to send you the Author’s Cut by email. But for now, you’ll have to be satisfied with the short (and official) version of this year’s Claxton Awards. Drum roll, please…

Useless Knowledge Columnist of the Year: Anyone who is willing to take the risk and write here. When I last checked, Brooks Mick was leading the race for this honor. In truth, though, he doesn’t deserve it. It’s not that the good doc isn’t a good writer—he is. So are the other nominees. But no single columnist stands out. Everyone who writes here regularly has his or her own specialty. Everyone who even writes one column here during a given year shows the courage to stand by whatever they sign their name to. Since I can’t get into the forums to vote, I’ll cast it right here. My vote is to discontinue naming a Columnist of the Year altogether. I don’t always agree with every column that’s written here, but I’ll defend the right of the individuals to speak their piece. (Sorry for mangling the paraphrase of Voltaire.)

Person of the Year (Male): Scott Fowler, sports columnist for The Charlotte Observer. For exposing a particularly mean practical joke played by Fox Sports on a die-hard Carolina Panthers fan, and in the process compelling Fox Sports to make good on its promise.

Person of the Year (Female): Mary J. Blige, top-selling R & B artist. For winning an astonishing 9 Billboard awards and being nominated for 8 Grammys, all on the strength of her latest album, Breakthrough.

Sportsperson of the Year (Male): Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue. For leading the league through a period of prosperity and success, including expansion into new markets like Charlotte and Jacksonville and creation of the NFL Network.

Sportsperson of the Year (Female): Pat Summitt, head coach of the University of Tennessee Lady Vols women’s basketball team. For having the courage to call out the NCAA on national television for giving the top-seeded North Carolina Lady Tar Heels the most difficult bracket in the entire Women’s Basketball Tournament.

Shame of the Year: Sony Corporation. For the launch of its new PlayStation 3 system. The artificial shortages that Sony induced were directly responsible for several cases of violence against those fortunate enough to get their hands on the system.

Sports Team of the Year (Professional): The Edmonton Oilers. For being the first number-eight seed in the modern National Hockey League to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals, and for pushing the eventual champion Carolina Hurricanes to a decisive Game 7.

Sports Team of the Year (College): A tie between LSU’s men’s and women’s basketball teams. For representing the hurricane-devastated Gulf Coast region of Louisiana and Mississippi in their respective Final Fours. (Each team would lose to the in the National Semifinals to the eventual National Runner-up.)

Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award: A tie between Bob Barker (American game-show host) and Don Francisco (Chilean variety-show host). When he finally steps away from The Price is Right at the end of the 2006-07 season, Bob Barker will have completed 35 years as host of the show. When combined with the 18 years he spent as the host of Truth or Consequences, he will have logged a total of 53 man-years as a game-show host. For several years, he hosted Price and Truth simultaneously. For two decades, he hosted both the Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants. And who can forget that memorable cameo he did in the Adam Sandler comedy film, Happy Gilmore?

Don Francisco, meanwhile, has hosted the colorful variety show now known as Sábado Gigante (Gigantic Saturday) since 1962. Originally broadcast on Chilean television, production of the international version of the show moved to Univision’s studios in Miami in 1986. Don Francisco commuted from Miami to Santiago to participate in the Chilean version of the show until 1992. He also hosts a more serious interview-only show with leading Hispanic celebrities on Wednesday nights, Don Francisco Presenta (Don Francisco Presents), also on Univision.

Oprah Winfrey Lifetime Achievement Award: Marva N. Collins, educator and entrepreneur. In the early 1980’s, the durable Cicely Tyson portrayed the Alabama-born Marva Collins in a made-for-TV movie. Even then, this woman was doing some incredible things, as she took children doomed to fail in mainstream schools and made them successful students and members of society.

After graduating from Clark College , Collins taught in her native Alabama for two years before heading north to Chicago , where she taught in the public schools for another 14 years. It was there, in 1975, that she established a preparatory school to apply classical education techniques to teach students labeled as learning-disabled by public schools. She has written a number of books on the topic, and is in demand as a public speaker and trainer in her methods.

Crystal Halo Honors: Crystal Halo Honors are bestowed upon the following individuals, whose lives left an indelible impression on their professions and our world. This year’s honorees and the field of endeavor they are best known for are listed below.

· Arnold “Red” Auerbach (Basketball)

· Syd Barrett (Rock Music)

· Peter Benchley (Literature)

· Patty Berg (Golf)

· Ed Bradley (Television)

· Susan Butcher (Sled-Dog Racing)

· Octavia Butler (Literature)

· Mike Douglas (Television)

· Katherine Dunham (Cultural Dance)

· Betty Friedan (Civil Rights)

· Bernie “Boom Boom” Geoffrion (Hockey)

· Curt Gowdy (Television)

· Lamar Hunt (Football)

· Steve Irwin (Ecology)

· Coretta Scott King (Civil Rights)

· Don Knotts (Television)

· Bob Mathias (Olympics)

· Byron Nelson (Golf)

· John Jordan “Buck” O’Neil, Jr. (Baseball)

· Buck Owens (Country Music)

· Gordon Parks (Motion Pictures)

· Floyd Patterson (Boxing)

· Kirby Puckett (Baseball)

· Lou Rawls (Philanthropy)

· Ann Richards (Politics)

· Joe Rosenthal (Photography)

· Louis Rukeyser (Television)

· Aaron Spelling (Television)

· Mickey Spillane (Literature)

· James A. Van Allen (Physics)

· Dennis Weaver (Television)

· Shelley Winters (Motion Pictures)

That’s it for this year’s Claxton Awards. If I’m still here this time next year, we’ll do this again!

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About the author: Claxton Graham has written over 100 articles for Useless Knowledge. He has also written the unpublished novels The Writer's Nightmare and Santa's Sleigh Is Missing. He works as a business analyst.

Email: scifiwriter8502@email.com

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