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By Patrick Hurley Dec. 3, 2006 I got an email yesterday... It was from the webmaster of the internet dating service. I am one of his members. He asked me, in a form letter, if I would be interested in being a guest on, "Dr. Phil," this upcoming Wednesday in Los Angeles. At first I was flattered even though the invitation went out to hundreds of other single people because this could jump start my potential career as a married man. I could use a boost. The last several dates I have been on were one and out. No match. Drinks. Polite conversation. Provocative appetizers. NO match. Since I have a policy of not kissing on the first date, I didn't even get that far making me reconsider my policy. So, Dr. Phil may be my angel. Except for the topic they asked me to talk about.... "People who have been BLOCKED by other members for being obnoxious or inappropriate." Whaaaaaa? To my knowledge, (I sound like a Watergate suspect) I have never been blocked by a woman on that particular website. I sat there wracking my brain trying to figure out which emotionally-laden woman may have pushed the icon, "BLOCK SENDER." I could not think of anyone who would remotely consider that option when it came to me contacting her. I am a charming, wonderful, gracious, witty and friendly fellow who strives to make a woman feel good about herself no matter how fat or homely she is in real life. Sure, once in awhile, I get a bit irritated with the insecure, lying heifers who play games with a good-hearted man, but I would never tell them that in an email. Well, not in so many words... It got my mind to thinking who may have been OVERLY sensitive to one of my jokes about how they looked like a drunken prostitute desperate for a date in one of their pictures or maybe they were OVERREACTING to a comment I made about how much their son looked like a young Jeffrey Dahmer. If they blocked me for those insignificant reasons, I would be honored to talk to Dr. Phil about insecure women who hide behind an anonymous handle and can't handle the truth about how tough it is to be in a virtual relationship these days. To quote a great man in an even greater movie: "LIGHTEN UP, FRANCIS!" How can these women ever expect to land a gentleman like myself when they lack such a sense of HUMOR? Why do they have to be so serious about everything? Like the woman I wrote to and said, "I love your clown face makeup!" I was just KIDDING! Or to one who looked really wrinkled I JOKED, "Have you been in a fire?" Then there was the one who posed in a very skimpy bathing suit to attract the eyes of many of us who MAY be looking for a shallow, physical enounter. I appropriately stated, "I have Saturday night off, what street will you be on around 7:30 p.m?" If she blocked me, she has a PROBLEM! I like Dr. Phil because I believe him to be incredibly handsome and powerful. I think most of us middle-aged bald men are that way. It would be fun to sit around the show and come up with clever nicknames for the women of the 21st Century like, "Hillary Clonetins," or, "PC Skank Pervaders." I have a feeling that Dr. Phil is a lot like me, he probably enjoys spanking a good broad now and then because she deserved it. Truthfully, I like women as long as they know their place and they keep their mouth shut most of the time. It is obvious to me that after reading a lot of their profiles on my matchmaking service these babes know how to please a man about as much as Liz Taylor knows how to commit to a marriage vow. If I see one more statement like, "I like to workout at the gym," "I like to walk on the beach," "I want a man who is financially secure" or, here is my favorite, "I am an independent woman who doesn't need a man but would enjoy the company of one..." I am going to BARF! Who are these bimbos trying to fool anyway? If they were really hot, they wouldn't be on a matchmaking service would they? Only losers who are needy and unable to get a date in real life would pay money to play that game...which reminds me, my auto payment is due tomorrow. What some pathetic people will do to lie about their weight, age and doctored photos to try and convince the world they are attractive. Unbelievable. ------------ About the author:   Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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