Civil Rights And A Can Of ALPO!

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Civil Rights And A Can Of ALPO!

By Patrick Hurley
Dec. 1, 2006

When will firefighters ever grow up?

We have a big brouhaha over a, "boys will be boys" hazing that has somehow morphed into a major racial issue with an award settlement of $2.7 million to a black firefighter who was tricked into eating dog food by his pals.

He is claiming that his co-workers did it for racial reasons. They claim it was an innocent prank and he should chill out.

Somewhere Martin Luther King is turning over in his grave.

This is ridiculous enough but just for fun, let's add a few more intriguing twists to this story, shall we?

The settlement was vetoed by Los Angeles mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa, who also happens to be a member of a MINORITY race. He is hispanic. This, of course, infuriates the three black members of the city council who have announced they will all be voting for the dog food eating victim, Tennie Pierce, 51, who is in line to receive a LOT of money for his spaghetti-laced treat. "What they did to me at the Fire Station 5 was wrong because it was something I did not know. My mother worked three jobs to get me where I am today. At no time did she ever feed us dog food." Pierce said in his statement.

His mother worked three jobs so he could become a firefighter?

No wonder he wants $2.7 million for a settlement. I would gladly eat a can of dog food for that kind of money.

Before you accuse ME of being a racist, let me share one another tidbit with you concerning this scam, er story. Mr. Pierce is not an innocent victim here. He had participated in several hazings on OTHER firefighters before he got punked. To lessen his credibility even further, he denied ever doing so until he was shown a photograph on one of his previous escapades with the boys. Upon seeing the evidence, Tennie responded, "Oh yeah, but that prank was done in LOVE!" I guess hazings have different emotional motivations to them, huh? At least they do according to firefighter Pierce. It seems his logic goes like this, "If I play a prank on someone it is because I like them and there is no harm. If someone plays a prank on me it is because they are RACIST and I am a victim who deserves to be compensated for $2.7 million."

Oh.

I think I see the difference. You are black and therefore ENTITLED to monetary damages because of Whitey and his friends promulgating the torture made famous by the Ku Klux Klan. These are the same friends the screaming racist played tricks on in the past. Instead of ONCE AGAIN blaming something fun on race there is something that does not make sense to me. My main question is, wouldn't you KNOW your spaghetti tasted funny and stop eating after one bite and immediately spit it out? If a person kept eating and was told about it later, then maybe it tasted pretty darn good. (Remember Chevy Chase eating "lamb fries" in the movie, "Funny Farm?") I mean, dogs don't gross out after eating Kal-Kan, do they? Heck,my sister used to eat it as a baby. She turned out okay except for the fact she is now on Prozac. Hmm....maybe it WAS the dog food? "Lawsuit, lawsuit!"

Now, the entire city of Los Angeles is waiting to see how this lawsuit will be played out. It has become a soap opera with all the drama of Luke and Laura proporitons. Will Tennie be the next Rodney King of Cuisine? Will the firefighters who spiked his pasta get commercial endorsements for ALPO? Can blacks and whites EVER live in harmony in La La Land? Will Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney write a new song as a sequel to, "Ebony and Ivory" now? Will it be called, "Kibbles n' Calamari?"

Of course, if this had a been a white guy the odds are good there would not even been a lawsuit.

Maybe O.J. will write a book about it. After all, he is the only one truly qualified to do so. He is the city's most famous black white guy. Besides, he is hurting financially and this could be a boost to his popularity. He could entitle it, "If I Ate it."

Works for me.

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About the author:

Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California.

Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net

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