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By Patrick Hurley Aug. 18, 2006 In a stunning turn of developments, Rosie Ruiz who faked her victory in the Boston Marathon in 1980, now insists she is the real killer of JonBenet Ramsey. "I don't know that guy Bob or Sam or whatever his name is over there in China but he is a liar. I am the one who was actually there the night JonBenet died and I am the one you should be talking to here." As a skeptical press gathered at her news conference Rosie stood firm on her self-accusation that she caused the death of the young beauty queen. "Yes, I did it. I was gonna keep this whole thing a secret until that idiot child molester over in Vietnam or wherever he is started shooting off his mouth. A lot of people don't give me no credit for winning the marathon and that is their problem; but I am the one who you need to talk to if you want to know what happened that night in 2000." When reporters reminded Rosie that JonBenet was murdered in 1996, Ruiz snapped, "Hell who CARES what year it was! I went in and did it, okay? I was there. I choked her with my bare hands, geesh. What more do you want? I am the real killer and I demand to see a lawyer so I can tell my story to the world." What followed next was a barrage of questions as Rosie deftly danced through the queries effortlessly. "How did you get inside the house that night?" "Uh, no comment." "Did you know JonBenet previously to murdering her?" "Not really." "Why did you write the ransom note inside the house?" "None of your business." "How long were you in the house?" "How the hell should I KNOW?" "Are you ashamed of what you did?" "I was more ashamed of causing the death of Princess Diana!" When reporters began asking her about Diana, Rosie quickly ended the press conference and said, "I have nothing more to say at this time. Just remember I am the killer, okay? I gotta go to my bridge game now." As she was leaving one of the reporters asked her if she had contact with the parents before Patsy Ramsey died. Ruiz yelled back over her shoulder, "Patsy Ramsey DIED? Well, that's what happens when you spend your whole life in Montana!" Gracefully, she stopped and signed several autographs before exiting the building flanked by her psychoanalyst and her doctor. The Boulder District Attorney's office commented on Ruiz's claim that she killed JonBenet. "There are a lot of wing nuts out there who are making ridiculous claims just to get attention over this tragedy. We are not about to fall for a shallow confession because our credibility to the world is at stake here." Note: this article is a satire. ------------ About the author:   Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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