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By Patrick Hurley Aug. 17, 2006 I saw a hilarious news item today while I was enjoying the gourmet spaghetti at Home Town Buffet... It seems that Ron Artest, the NBA basketball player who went up into the stands in 2004 and tried to decapitate a fan is now serving the rest of his punishment.in community service. This in itself, is not a newsworthy piece except for what he said to the children about his foul deed. "Someone started trouble and I ended it," said Artest to the youngsters. His motivational sentence gave an entirely new meaning to the phrase, "community service." If this is going to be the way lawbreakers handle things maybe we should re-title their punishment? How about, "criminal revisionism." Yeah, I like THAT much better. Artest who was the centerpiece of one of the worst brawls in sports history now has a platform to reverse his image and pay off his debt to society, too. Such a deal! Instead of dealing with the consequences of his poor choices, he now has a platform to justify his actions to the public. I can see how past and future people in the news can also take advantage of their convictions by using their personal spin to "explain" their irresponsible behavior. Ted Kennedy "To all you teenagers out there who like to park and make out after drinking let me just say that there is nothing wrong with that. Nor is there anything wrong if you accidentally step on your date's head while saving your own life. But, I need to remind you that sometimes roads are NOT clearly marked as in my case and because of that, I had to pay a heavy price of never becoming President. So, make your cities and townships spend a little extra money on warning signs especially near the water." Osama Bin Laden "There is nothing wrong with a religious jihad. Especially against the great satan, Israel. But, sometimes things get a LITTLE confusing. For example, when I ordered, "Kill Israelis with Zest," and my pilots heard, 'Kill USA's with Jets!" it was an unfortunate breakdown in radio transmissions. I was horrified when I heard about the tragic events of 9/11 and all those innocent lives being lost in the cockpit. We never wanted to start a war with America. I am tired of living out of a cave. I want to take hot shower and enjoy indoor plumbing. Can't we all be friends?" Michael Jackson "To all my fans I miss you terribly. It is really hot over here in Bahrain and I am doing my best to beat the heat. (in more ways than one) I have suffered so much for what I believe to be innocent actions involving my attempt to start my own scout troop. Even since I was a young boy, I wanted to start a campfire, go on long hikes and perform CPR on my fellow cubs. So, I encourage any of you future "scout leaders" to stay away from two things...a mother who commits welfare fraud and a Pepsi commercial. Peace." Ted Bundy (in his final testament) "If any of you have any thoughts of working in politics and going to law school here is a piece of advice: STAY AWAY FROM CHICKS! They will misrepresent any innocent attempts you make to become friends with them. If you enjoy playing with handcuffs, wearing ski masks in the summertime, faking out your friends by hobbling around on crutches or just carrying large pieces of lumber for fun, STAY AWAY FROM CHICKS! I could have been one of the great ones had it not been for uptight women who cared more about their shallow self-preservation than in daring to explore the excitement of creative sex." Scott Peterson "I didn't kill Lacey. I didn't kill Lacey. I didn't kill Lacey. I didn't kill Lacey. If you need a great boat that was only used once go on e-Bay and check it out. I didn't kill Lacey. I didn't kill Lacey..." Barry Bonds "I am a victim. It is because I am a black man. I am trying to beat the all-time home run record of Henry Aaron. He is also a black man. But, he is a nice black man. I am not. I am arrogant, smug, rude, moody, fake and I will put ANYTHING in my body to get that damn record. Because of that, I have been villified and condemned as someone who just wants to make his daddy happy. Why do all of you HATE me? WHY? Is it because I am superior to you in every way? Losers." Floyd Landis "To all of you little bikers out there remember this...it is only the guys who LACK balls who get anywhere in racing. Trust me, I know." Howard Dean "To those of you in the media I know you think I go a little crazy once in a while but the truth is that I am deaf in both ears." And, a big thank you to Ron Artest for proving once again that crime CAN pay as long as one does their crimin...er, community service. ------------ About the author:   Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. 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