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Aug. 17, 2006 ">I was digging my graduate school papers lately, in search of a possible basis for an article I needed to write, when I came across one of my critique papers in graduate school. It was about verbal and physical violence in pre-marital relationships. I was beaming with happiness because finally I found something I wanted to write about. Well, there is nothing Freudian behind my interest in the topic (since the last article I wrote was about violence in pre-marital relationships as determinant of violence in marital relationships). Behind this interest was the realization, brought about by my course on Family Psychology, that it pays to choose well who the man or woman one should spend the rest of her or his life with, and it pays to choose well because the whole being of their children in the future is affected by the marital relationship of the parents. Learning the behavior and thoughts could lead to transgenerational transmission (perpetuation of thoughts, words, behaviors, and practices from one generation to the next) of psychologically destructive beliefs or philosophies, words and behavior. As I was going through the content of the critique paper, I came across the exposé of a beauty titlist in the Bb. Pilipinas 1999 competition regarding her relationship with her boyfriend. This beauty queen was a guest in a talk show in the year 2002. It was here where she told the public that her boyfriend threatened her and her family and how she was physically abused. She said that she kept staying in the relationship because of love and belief that her boyfriend was “super mabait” (very kind) when his emotions were not clouded by intense jealousy due to the nature of her job as a beauty queen turned actress. However, she resented his desire that she quit her job and stay with him to make her dependent on him. Who is this beauty queen I am referring to? You probably know her. But you need to exert some effort to recall all the showbiz news you have heard in recent years. In the article, “In Monstrous Relationship? What Does It Say to Your Future Marriage,” I mentioned that the behavior or personality of a boyfriend in the pre-marital stage or going-steady stage could determine whether the girlfriend would have a happy marital life with her boyfriend. Have you ever wondered in the article how you would know whether you are in a healthy pre-marital relationship? Based on my lecture notes in our graduate school subject on “Pre-marital and Marital Relationship,” there are factors that determine healthy pre-marital relationship. It comes in this mathematical equation: c² w r h = HEALTHY PRE-MARITAL RELATIONSHIP What is c³w r h? The letters stand for the following: C – commitment in employing the relationship as an arena for psychological and spiritual growth You and your partner should both be committed in taking your intimate relationship as an area in your social experience where you could develop your personality, social relationship, perspective in life, and faith or spirituality. Conversely, if you feel that you are not growing in your relationship with your partner because one has been controlling the other, like in taste, socialization with other people (especially the opposite sex), and the like, then, this is a telling factor that there is something wrong in the pre-marital relationship. C – commitment to individual development Both of you should be committed to provide space for each other to grow or develop. In other words, if your partner tells you that her/ his friends asked him/ her to join them in a gimmick, you should sometimes allow your partner to go with other people during outings, gimmicks, etc. I have seen people in intimate relationships that were crippling each other’s growth. They
demand to be with each other every time they are outside their own houses because they do not fully trust each other. But trust is one of the most important virtues in an intimate relationship, extending even in the marital stage. An untrusting partner is a disaster to be with. In the case of the Bb. Pilipinas ‘99 beauty queen, her boyfriend was violent to her because of a lack of trust. If an individual could not trust himself or herself, then it would likewise be very difficult for him or her to trust other people or a partner in an intimate relationship. W – win-win conflict resolution You and your partner should solve a conflict that came up in your relationship in a win-win manner. What does win-win conflict resolution mean? According to my professor, “no one has to lose for someone else to win.” Both of you can be winners in coming up with a solution to the problem that both of you are facing in your intimate relationship. In the Filipino language, there should be no “under de saya” (henpecked). You
should listen and consider the points raised by your partner and your partner should do the same for you too. Then you can both come up with a solution to your conflict that would incorporate both partners’ concerns. R – responsible for own self You are responsible for yourself, and your partner is
responsible for himself or herself as well. If each one has to make a choice, you should come up with a decision and face the consequences of your decision or choice. Associated with teenage pregnancy and rushed marriages (caused by unplanned pregnancy before marriage) is a choice each partner made prior to engaging in pre-marital sex. This choice was “to engage in pre-marital sex or not”. I know many people in a pre-marital relationship who chose to “engage in pre-marital sex.” The girl is now miserable because her partner was not a responsible person. So girls, be smart and intelligent in your choices during your pre-marital relationship. Look at the lives of other single moms who have a fatherless child because of pre-marital sex, then imagine your self in their position. Would you like a similar fate? For boys, your choice or decision does not only affect
your life and future but another person’s future. So be kind and show that you are truly apart from the animals in the animal kingdom where we humans belong. H – honesty all the time You and your partner should be honest to each other all the time. Both of you should always tell each other the truth because dishonesty creates mistrust and usually sparks an end to the relationship, especially when the partner realizes the cycle of dishonesty and promises that follows one after the other. The source of dishonesty during the pre-marital period could even be the same problem or issue during the marital stage, if you decide to tie the knot. A healthy pre-marital relationship is not only about the four-letter word– LOVE. It is more than that. It is c² w r h!
------------ About the author: Cherry Angel Tuscano-Costales has finished her undergraduate course in BA Social Science majors in History and Sociology at the University of the Philippines (Baguio City campus). At present, she is finishing her graduate course in Family Psychology at Miriam College, Philippines. Also, she is connected at AMA Computer University (Philippines) at present and teaches general subjects to college students. Email: tuscano_the_historian@yahoo.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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