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 By Jack Lepiarz Aug. 5, 2006 There are some things that cannot be taught. They must be experienced. I'm glad that I've had the chance to experience all of the following. After all, no pain, no gain, right? 1. If you're practicing a whip act, try not to set off your neighbor's car alarm with it. 2. Never, ever, ever, ever, piss off any crime organization, such as the Mafia, or the Yakuza. For example, do not do a street-performing act on their turf. 3. When doing a magic trick where a scarf turns into a cane, try to make the cane not hit you in the face. 4. Always wipe your hands off before throwing knives. Failure to do so may result in sweaty palms and a knife missing the board completely. 5. Your practice knife-throwing board cannot be used in place of your regular knife-throwing board in a show. Should you find yourself using the practice knife-throwing board, try not to throw your first knife through the gigantic hole in the center of the board. 6. Make sure no one stands behind the board, too. 7. After the board falls over because you forgot to bring braces to hold it up, don't run off stage and stab your partner in the process. 8. Though you may be standing off to the side of the knife-throwing board, one of your partner's knives will ricochet off the board and come flying at you. 9. Whipping spaghetti out of your mouth without any prior experience is a BAD IDEA. 10. Never, ever, ask the audience to shower you with money unless you make it very clear that you don't want them to throw quarters at you. 11. In the event that someone actually throws their wallet at you, check for inebriation. 12. If a grown man asks to be your "scantily clad assistant," check for inebriation. 13. In the event that the man gives you his wallet and asks to be your "scantily clad assistant," take him on his offer. Do not check for inebriation. 14. When working in a black box theater, try not to spit on the audience too much. 15. Try not to kick the dead body on the floor. 16. If you have to jump over the proscenium in your auditorium while trying to be Indiana Jones in your talent show, try not to slip. 17. If a person in said talent show asks you to whip them, under no circumstances should you oblige. 18. Never introduce a bullwhip as "The Love Machine" 19. If you ask people that find a bullwhip to be "sexy" to see you after the show, you may find that more people took you up on your joke than you had planned. 20. With that in mind, never do a show for an auditorium of drunk teenagers. 21. On that note, if a girl asks you to take her to her homecoming because she saw you in a show, the answer is an unequivocal no. 22. There is nothing more terrifying than an angry clown. 23. Make sure that your volunteer does not move when you throw knives around him. Failure to do so will result in lawsuits. 24. Make it very clear to anyone that comes to interview you (say for a local paper), that your stage name is not your real name. There is nothing worse than being referred to as Jackman Fish on the front page of a newspaper. 25. If you have to wear an Indian costume, make sure that you actually tie your belt before dancing onstage. ------------ About the author: Jack Lepiarz was born in Waco, Texas, he lived with the Big Apple Circus for much of his early childhood, eventually moving to Madison, New Jersey, where he now resides. Although he is often described as stubborn and egotistical, he tries to keep an open-mind towards new ideas and treat people the way he would like to be treated. Email: Jackwuzhere42@aol.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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