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By Patrick Hurley Aug. 1, 2006 My first girlfriend was Cynthia Hunt in kindergarten. She was the playground hottie. All of us boys stared at her as we waited our turn to step into the kickball game. On the last day of school as I was walking home I heard my name called and I turned and saw Cynthia Hunt motioning to me. I crossed the street and said, "I want to say goodbye." She kissed me on the cheek and walked away... I have never been the same since. Over the years I have experienced the company of hundreds of women and I can honestly say that in most of those encounters I could have used an EXTREME form of medication within an hour upon leaving their force field. Women have been described in a variety of words and ways. Let me add one... MADDENING! If God has a sense of humor His sadism is showing when it comes to me and a babe. Take Diane Lavelle for example. I knew Diane in high school and had a small crush on her and when I went away to college I found out that she was attending a university close to mine. So, I called her and asked if she wanted to go on a date. It was MAGICAL! On Sunday afternoon after several incredible conversations, we faced each other in Alumni Grove next to the American River and pledgerd our feelings to each other. By Monday night, I was walking among the clouds. Sitting in class, walking to the cafeteria, shooting hoops with the guys, all I could think about was Diane Lavelle. Two days went by and I HAD to see her, so I made a surprise visit to her dorm..I just knew she would be exhilarated to see me! Big mistake. Huge. A guy opened the door. His name was Ted. He was an athlete. He looked down at me like I was a worm crawling under his shoe. When I told him my name, he seemed bemused, "Hey Diane? Some guy named Pat Hurley is here..." Who was THIS guy? As Diane approached the door, I suddenly felt like her shoe was about to join his in snuffing me out like the desperate earthcrawler I was quickly becoming. The look on her face when she saw me confirmed it. It was not a face of joy or ecstasy upon seeing her main man; it was a gaze of total and unrequited PITY. The kind of look Father Damien had on his face when he met a leper in the last stages of the disease. Diane quickly took me down to the laundry room before Ted broke me in half. She turned and faced me. I was slumped over. A beaten man. The girl of my dreams had just turned into Elizabeth Taylor in, "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." I was the roof. She began by scolding me. I was now in a room with Sister Diane Mary Anne. "Patrick, if you were a man do you know what you would tell me right now?" I mumbled helplessly, "No..." "You would tell me, 'Diane, you and I belong together. I want you to go upstairs, tell that guy to leave, get your coat, we are going out to get something to eat and that's the way it IS!" I stared at her unbelievingly. After a few awkward seconds of trying to get my heart started again, I bravely cleared my throat, somehow found my voice and looked back into her eyes and firmly stated in my strongest man voice, "Diane, you and I belong together. I want you to go upstairs, tell that guy to leave, get your coat, we are going out to get something to eat and that's the way it IS!" Diane looked at me and smiled. I will never forget that expression on her face. In that moment of response I believe it captured the essence of a female and summarized my entire history with women in my lifetime. "No." I was flabbergasted. No? NO??? I looked at her in shock. "But, you just told me what to say..." She smiled back, "That's why it is a no. I had to TELL you what to say. You should have said it on your own. Because you didn't know what to say without me telling you are not the man for me." With that she walked up the stairs back to her room and out of my life forever. I had never heard of John Gray back then, but I was familiar with Satan. Little did I know that the more I got to understand the female mind the more I would be frustrated by it. So, here is a piece of advice for all the men out there.... Give up. Concede. Submit. Wave the white flag. We are the Alamo, General Custer and the Titanic with testosterone. We have the PHYSICAL capability to get our way when she allows us to be the man, but after that....FORGET it! We are finished. It is not a question of dying slowly or quickly. We are going down. The woman always wins. If you don't believe me....ask the woman you love. ------------ About the author:   Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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