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Apr. 26, 2006 The Whitehouse announced today that Scott McClellan will be replaced by veteran CBS news anchor Dan Rather. McClellan will pursue his dream and manage an organic food coop in Northern California... Prominent Christian evangelist Pat Robertson of 700 Club fame died tragically in a tornado exactly forty days after being elected governor of Kansas... Attack-dog op-ed columnist Ann Coulter considers bariatric treatment services for her on-going battle with weight. Said Ann with a chuckle, “I can easily afford to get my stomach stapled, so, why not?! I want to be so skinny that I can surprise stupid liberals (and by that I mean all of them), by jumping out from behind telephone poles!”... One month to the day after American superstar Bruce Willis became the Hollywood mascot of sorts for professional war protester Cindy Sheehan, fellow actor George Clooney was released by Iraqi kidnappers. Clooney, who made waves in Hollywood by enlisting to help “fight the war not just on terror, but on evil!”, was kidnapped and tortured. Among other indignities, Clooney has several of his fingernails forcibly removed. In an interview with NPR's Terry Gross about his ordeal, Clooney had this to say, “It hurt like a f***** son of a f**** b*****!”... A suicide bomber is believed to be the cause of an explosion which killed 19 at a Starbucks in the Gaza strip. The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam, aka the Tamil Tigers, took responsibility. In response, The Islamist group Islamic Jihad blew up a Starbucks in Northern Sri Lanka. 17 are reported dead, although eyewitness accounts from the Starbucks across the street suggest many more causalities... Presidential hopeful Condoleeza Rice underwent cosmetic oral surgery last Tuesday. She made the announcement at a press conference late Monday night saying, “I've always wanted to fix my smile”. Many Washington insiders agree, however, that the decision was prompted by an Internet mock-up of Rice made to closely resemble British pop sensation Elton John. Elton John responded, “Wow! Bloody hell, who would have thought that with just a different hairstyle that I'd look exactly like one of the most powerful women in America!”... In related news, Fox News darling Bill O'Reilly cosmetically bleached his splotches and then filed suit against Al Franken late last week in anticipation of ridicule. O'Reilly, “I think we have a good legal case. Look, I know this guy, alright? Of course he'll slander me over this – why shouldn't I use legal preemption?”... Having run out of space for new Wal-Mart super stores, the merchandising giant is looking to purchase mothballed aircraft carriers, cruise ships and artificial islands made from land-fill. Said Wal-mart CEO S. Robson Walton, “We think this is a prime opportunity to expand our influence. People gamble on boats and take cruises and we think they'll go offshore and come on board to save seven cents on a gallon of 2% as well!” Several prominent environmental groups protested in response, citing mass ocean-dumping of shopping carts as a real possibility. Wal-Mart responded, “Shopping carts make great artificial reefs. Wal-Mart has been and will always be committed to protecting Earth's environment”. Wal-Mart plans at least 6,000 new off-shore stores by 2007... ------------ About the author Frederick Smith: I enjoy writing about the positive virtues of humanism - humanists are the good guys. I now have a blog that I will start to increasingly maintain and update. Here is the link: fredsuberview.blogspot.com/ About my personal background and life: I was born, I got some education, worked, ate, and had some kids. It seems I like to write � something that was unknown to me until relatively recently...How's that for detail? ;) Hate mail is welcome unless you are from the Army Of God. Please! It's not that I mind seeing pictures of aborted fetuses in my inbox, but once you've seen one you've pretty much seen them all... Email: dahlek65@gmail.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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