HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
 By Jack Lepiarz Apr. 1, 2006 Our fine nation is threatened on yet another front. This new emerging threat comes not from terrorists, not from natural disasters, not even from the emerging spring fashions, but from the evil Mole People. These Mole People have declared an all-out war on the duly elected government of the U.S. of A.! Already they have launched underground strikes, burrowing into people's homes via their basements and attacking from within. Worse yet, some moles are disguising themselves as human beings, and have infiltrated human society. By simply covering their worm-like tails and wearing Richard Nixon masks, they have begun to take over society from within. Anyone who sights Richard Nixon (with or without the tape recorders) is advised to kick him in the shin. Only then can we rid our society of this mole menace. However, shin-kicking will by no means bring an end to this "Molar Rebellion." The moles have begun constructing crude Mole-launch pads, from which they can catapult themselves through the air and into buildings. Congress experimented with hiding in underground bunkers, but were soon greeted by a Mole onslaught. However, through the sheer might of Teddy Kennedy's drunken boxing, and Tom DeLay's whip skills, the Moles were quickly forced to retreat (Ironically enough, Zell Miller happened to be along for the ride and challenged a Mole to a duel). But Congress, not wanting to give them a moment's rest, proceeded to chase them through the tunnels, with Senator Barack Obama leading one of the many charges, finally showing that he truly is American enough to wield a gun in fiery passion. Tensions with the Mole People have been simmering for some time now. Since early 2002 and the eradication of the Piranha People, the Moles have been breeding like rabbits--the rabbit people, actually--and have increased their ranks to well over 250,000. Although the government went into secret negotiations with the Mole People late in 2003 to find a way to calm the tensions, the Mole People refused to give in. They hurled accusation after accusation at the president and Congress, saying that they had authorized secret monitoring of the Moles' ultrasound communications systems. That was only the first of many complaints. The Moles demanded that the government allow more of their kind to come into the country via large Mole tunnels. Now the Moles' demands have become extreme and outrageous. The worst of them all, you ask? A nude, 3-D picture of Condoleeza Rice. Mole people attacks have become increasingly common, especially during the later hours after the sun sets, since they can't go out in direct sunlight anyway. Citizens are advised to keep their houselights on at all times, lest the Moles decide to attack their fine, upstanding, American home! As with any conflict, the issue of torture has come up. Some people say that the United States of America is treating the Mole prisoners harshly by shining light at them and covering their holy book with dirt. However, these critics fail to realize that our covering of the "Mo' Lible" with dirt was actually us giving them dinner and some reading material. C'mon. They eat dirt, after all. So, how can we combat the threat that these evil Moles pose? It's quite simple, really. Senator Kennedy is selling an "8-minute Drunken Boxing" video that will have you kicking some Mole tail (literally) in minutes. Hope all of you have a fun April Fool's Day. ------------ About the author: Jack Lepiarz is a senior at Madison High School. Born in Waco, Texas, he lived with the Big Apple Circus for much of his early childhood, eventually moving to Madison, New Jersey, where he now resides. Although he is often described as stubborn and egotistical, he tries to keep an open-mind towards new ideas and treat people the way he would like to be treated. Email: Jackwuzhere42@aol.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
